Words of Wisdom #97: Gene Hackman

"I don't trust air I can't see."

 

--Gene Hackman in Crimson Tide,

smoking a cigar on a submarine.

5 things about...stupid questions

I believe I am required by law* to say "There's no such thing as stupid questions."

But come on. If you're a cigar smoker who has been on Facebook for more than three minutes, you've come in contact with a stupid question or two, including the following five.

5. Real or fake?

Not these. The other kind.

You own it. Does it matter?

If you aren't positive whether your recently acquired "Cuban" actually hails from the newly-unembargoed country, forget its heritage and either smoke it or don't. Here's why: If your overpriced vacation souvenir is a "Fauxhiba," you won't enjoy it, knowing you've been duped. (You and everyone else on the cruise.)

Or perhaps a pal brought it back for you as a thanks for ensuring his house wasn't overrun by uncollected mail and newspapers. You don't want to look at him differently for getting you a fake. Smoke it, none the wiser. Remain BFFs.

Never never never
in a glass/plastic-topped box.
Never.

If you don't set this "Cuban" aflame, you'll glare at it each time you open the humidor and its off-color yellow band winks at you from below the Nicaraguan, Honduran, and Dominican beauties. Either way, no joy. Smoke it. Move on with your life.

4. "This isn't cigar related, but..." and then a non-cigar related question.
Why why why is this happening on a cigar Facebook page? Send a private message to a couple of folks if you need an answer to your extremely pressing problem. Yes, this social media group is like a family--a family of thousands--but would you ask your entire family for their opinion on...anything?

3. Mold or plume?
This question always always always reminds me of this:

Mold: Fuzzy, usually in spots rather than all over (at first), and notably on the foot if in full bloom. Spreads from cigar to cigar. Usually in 70+% humidity, although not exclusively. Pitch the cigars, because yuck.

Plume: Appears evenly on the cigar, stemming from the oils crystallizing because it has been stored awesomely for a long period of time. Keep it because yum.

If you can't tell from these descriptions and an internet image search, you should probably literally ask a professional in person.

Literally.

2.  What do you guys think about...[insert cigar brand and stick here]?

Consider this a verbal facepalm.

A variety of answers from a variety of people shall consume the internet, with participants arguing amongst themselves. Expect to hear "Best smoke ever!" "It's okay." and "That sucks"--all about the same cigar. Variations include "Overpriced" "An okay dogwalker" and "Where did you get that? I've been looking all over for that!"**

What is the purpose of asking except to incite a Facebook riot?

1. Which one should I smoke?
This one makes Valentino's head explode.

Figuratively.

This question generally comes accompanied by a picture of three or so cigars, lined up for the firing, er... lighting, squad.
A new cigar community member learns quickly not everyone will love every cigar. So why are you asking perfect strangers which one you should choose? If you've spent cash money on them, we hope you'd actually like them. Plus, how do we know what mood you're in?

This is a show-off ploy. A lot more honest (and less annoying) (and less passive-aggressive) Facebook post would be, "I'm so excited! I just found my favorite!" or even "I'm going to try this cool new cigar! I've heard a lot about it!"

To quote our hero, whose head, thankfully, has remained intact, "Why the fuck do I care what you smoke?"

So...
We all know you don't really want an answer--you want attention. Go spend time with your family, make friends with a neighbor, or hang out at a cigar lounge. (If you need an answer, especially about #1 or #3, head to your local tobacconist for a professional opinion.)




*Because I shape the minds of America's youth for money

**This is a form of dry-begging, which makes me want to throat-punch people.

Words of Wisdom #96: Zino Davidoff

"A wisely chosen cigar to me, is like a weapon against certain of life's torments,

in some mysterious way, a little blue smoke chases them away."

 -Zino Davidoff

When your tobacconist is much, much more or: International travel can be confusing

FIRST: I don't know why this is all wonkily (mostly) centered. I do know that the blogger and I are having a bit of a spat and it's winning this round. So...centered it is!

 

The first time I went into a tobacconist in Italy, I was all ...

True story. Much confusion.

Because when we asked where to purchase stamps, that's where the kind il signore directed us. Figuring, uncertainly, that we heard him correctly, we headed in that direction. I figured if nothing else, I'd purchase some cigars for Valentino, who did not accompany me on this trip--because I'd just met him a couple weeks before. (That did not, of course, preclude me from purchasing gifts for him.)

 

Anyway, upon entering the shop, tobacco--cigars and cigarettes--seemed like an afterthought at Il tabaccaio.

Here's an article (and pictures) by Dianne Hales, from her awesome Becoming Italian Word by Word website, which I discovered a few years ago when I travelled and researched for this lovely tome:

 

Il tabaccaio 

The tobacco shop

[source]

 

Even if you don't smoke, there are plenty of good reasons to stop at the busiest store on a city street or in the tiniest village in Italy: the tabaccaio. In this guest post, Silivia Bascelli takes us inside these uniquely Italian shops:  

 

Il tabaccaio is obviously the shop where tobacco is sold, but you can buy much more than cigarettes (sigarette) there. The shop sign is always the same: a small rectangle with a big T and the words  ”Sali e tabacchi" (salt and tobacco).

 

The tabaccaio is licensed to sell goods and services (beni e servizi) that, according to law, are controlled exclusively by the state. Salt once was a government monopoly, but no longer is. 

Today’s state-regulared items, besides cigarettes, include lottery and lotto tickets; matches (i fiammiferi); stamps (i francobolli); revenue stamps (le marche da bollo), which are digital stickers with a bar code and value stamped on them); and stamped paper (la carta bollata), used for official documents such as birth, marriage and death certificates, requests to a court (tribunale),legal documents issued by a notary, house rental contracts (contratti d’affitto) and such.

A tabacchino (little tabaccaio) near a courthouse can sell millions of revenue stamps for judicial proceedings -- and take a percentage of the sales.

 

In addition to prodotti “ufficiali ed esclusivi” (offical and exclusive products), the tabaccai sell materials for writing letters, such as paper (la carta da lettere), postcards (le cartoline) and pens (le penne) as well as smoking-related items like lighters (gli accendini), pipes (le pipe) and pipe tobacco (tabacco da fumo). You can also find candies (le caramelle), playing cards (le carte da gioco) and various games, such as chess (scacchi) and checkers (dama), plus poker chips (fiches per il poker) and bidding boxes for bridge.

[source]

 

So at a tabaccaio you can buy something as innocuous as stamps or something as bad as cigarettes. You might even get sucked into il vizio del gioco d’azzardo (the bad habit of games of chance). The tabaccio is the place to go if you want to giocare al superenalotto (play the lottery), giocare al totocalcio (play the football pools)  or place scommesse sportive (sports bets).

 

Various tabaccai specialize in different things, and some become gaming and betting meccas well-known among tutti i giocatori (all the players). They create their own lotto systems in order to hit the jackpot when it gets very high. If they manage to win (vincere alla lotteria), the money is split among the players in the betting pool.

 

Now that we live in the age of the ATM, customers can make payments or use services once available only at the Post Office at a tabaccaio. For instance, they can pay car taxes (il bollo delle automobili) and traffic tickets (le multe). If you are travelling in Italy, you can go to a tabaccaio to purchase prepaid calling cards for a cell phone (ricariche dei telefoni cellulari), international calling cards (schede telefoniche internazionali) and city bus tickets (i biglietti degli autobus urbani).

 

In effect the tabaccaio presents a microcosm of Italian life, with people stopping by throughout the day for one reason or another (per un motivo o per un altro). Once it was a modest and unremarkable type of store, with a distinctive smell of tobacco (tabaccoso). Today you can find elegant tabaccai, such as this one on the Piazza San Silvestro in Rome, providing many more goods and services than in the past.

 

Words and Expressions 

Una stecca di sigarette -- a carton of cigarettes 

Abbonamento settimanale / mensile per l’autobus –-- a weekly / monthly bus pass 

Fumatore accanito -- chain-smoker 

Bacco, tabacco e Venere riducono l'uomo in cenere --  Wine, tabacco and women can reduce a man to ashes (ruin a man)

 

Dianne Hales is the author of MONA LISA: A Life Discovered and LA BELLA LINGUA: My Love Affair with Italian, the World's Most Enchanting Language.

 

Two out of three ain't bad.

The other day, Valentino and I met up with Caballero #3 for Rooftop Cigar Shenanigans, er, make that a Cigar Social on the roof of a Mohegan Sun parking garage. Remember? We told you about it here.

While up there, we saw this picture, courtesy of Caballero #2 and the mighty internets:

#2 with a Padron '64.

Because these guys are who they are, naturally, a retaliatory photo session occurred:



#1 and #3 with a Padron '64.

A bunch of glad-handing and glad-kissing with cigar rep SuperFriends ensued. (Hi Jon! Hi John! Hi Cody! Hi Dave! Hi Mike-who-is-not-on-Facebook! Hi John-who-did-not-remember-us!*)

 

Then this happened:

 

The bloom was off the rose. We had the tired.

The moral of the story? We missed you, Caballero #2!

 

 

*I know you're thinking, "How is that even possible? You guys are so awesome and memorable!" I know!

This makes a bad day better.*

You're welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Plus, it's my blog and I can do whatever I want.**

 

**You're not the boss of me.***

 

***Thankfully, Valentino, kind of the boss of me, doesn't know how to work the bloggy blogger.

5 things about...When to ask for help in a cigar lounge or: Ode to my celebrity boyfriend, RIP

Untrue! Untrue! Untrue!
(No disrespect, though, sir.)

You’ve driven by this cigar lounge no less than one million times, barely noticing it.

Today, your car pulls itself into the parking lot.

Last week at the cookout, your best pal handed you a cigar. You savored every last moment of it, right down to the finger-burning nubbin.* At party’s end, you were set free, cigarless, no memory of the name or band. But damn, it was good.

Now here you sit, scrolling through Facebook, the world’s best procrastination tool, hoping no one’s watching you through the lounge’s mirrored plate glass windows.**

Exactly. Put down the phone and go in.

Go in. We’re right there with you, cheering you on. Just keep some stuff in mind—and if you don’t remember any or all of it, ask for a tutorial from a kind soul—and by that we mean anyone in the lounge.

Choosing the cigar
You don’t remember that fantastic smoke. That’s okay. Ask your cigartender for assistance and she’ll happily help, by asking what you like. Shrugging won’t offend her, especially since you’ve had exactly one cigar in your life. She’ll probably start you with something more on the mild side rather than something super strong and powerful that kicks your tastebuds in the nuts.*** Who knows? This could be your new favorite (at least for a while).

Words to live by.

Cutting the cigar
Cigar in hand, you’ll be pointed toward the cutting station or your cigartender will ask you how you’d like it cut. What she means: straight cut, V-cut, or punch. You probably don’t have a preference, so just go with the straight cut for now. You can figure out your favorite in future visits.

Lighting the cigar
Lighting a cigar is nothing short of a process, a procedure, a preamble to a long, relaxing hour or more. Go here for the fastest,no-nonsense how-to ever. Or… ask for a tutorial, paying close attention to the way she sets the cigar aflame.

Never never never forget: Don't inhale.

Settling in and maintaining the cigar
You’re chatting with new, cigar-smoking friends. You take a puff and…nothing. The bastard’s gone out. Yeah, it happens. Borrow the house lighter again. Flame + puff = you’re back in business. And don’t worry: You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes a cigar shrugs and gives up the ghost.

Making friends
So you’re there, you’re comfortable, and you’re chatting. We have to go, but you’re in good hands. If you need advice, a suggestion of another cigar, or anything else, the folks in the cigar lounge are great people. They’ll give you a hand; buy them a drink as thanks.

We’ll catch you next time!

 

 

*Like our SuperFriend Brian. Hi Brian!

**They aren’t. We promise.

***If your tastebuds have nuts. Otherwise, this is a dang good metaphor.