Cigar Lounge Manners: No Trash Talking

"Dude. Really? A _____ [cigar brand]*?"

The smoker at the bar looks at his premium cigar as if for the first time, and finally says, "I really like these. It has good flavor. Have you had it?"

The instigator, rather than looking sheepish, gives the cigar another blast of Stinkeye. "No, but it's a _____. How good can it possibly be?"

The smoker takes a thoughtful puff, blows smoke out his nose like a cartoon bull, smiles like the Cheshire Cat...

...and says, "Pretty fucking good."

Unvocalized questions rattled around my noggin all night: Why? Why do people (a very small contingent, but still, enough to make a difference) do that, dissing each others' cigars?

Do you do that?

Don't do that. Please don't ever ever do that. Please.

Just because you don't like something--or it's less expensive than what you usually smoke--doesn't mean it's bad. It means it doesn't fit your flavor profile. Don't be a douchebag snob.

If you were to blind smoke a few cigars, could you even name the group's brands? Probably not. Don't make that face at us. A well-established rep we know did a blind taste test and didn't know he was smoking his own newly-released cigar (which he's smoked several times before ).

*Mad Libs? Nope--although that's a really really fun game. Because we're super duper nice here, we're never going to say anything negative about any cigar brand. Fill in the blank at your own whim.

**Not even kidding. We don't say anything negative on the blog, but if you're an asshat and steal from us and our sponsor [to be announced soon], your douchebaggery will be publically proclaimed.

Cigar Lounge Manners: Gag me with a...much-too-liberal spraying of cologne

o·dor·if·er·ous

ˌōdəˈrifərəs/

adjective

adjective: odoriferous

1. having or giving off a smell, especially an unpleasant or distinctive one.

   "spicily concocted with odoriferous herbs"

   
   

There I sat in the cigar lounge, 90% anti-social, writing funny word arrangements for you.* As I snickered, because I think I'm hilarious, I took a deep breath, reoxygenating myself. I almost died from noxious fumes. Really! I almost DIED!

I looked around for new arrivals; that odoriferous slap to the senses did not exist 30 seconds before. At least not in the warm cigar lounge, where someone's idea of sexy, when contained, intensified the horror that is cheap cologne.

A mere five feet from me sat a chummy menagerie of mid-50s lotharios,** all bedecked in their best polyester finery. Turning in their direction to launch the what-is-that-stink stinkeye, I received a full-on blast that surely would have sunk a slighter soul.***

Gentlemen,

When you're 13 and bathe in Axe, you don't know any better. We thank your moms and girlfriends for telling you to knock it off when you've used an entire can in two days.

As you progress through life, living on your own, earning your own keep and cologne money, we ask you for two things:

1. Please please please do not bathe in cheap fragrance.
2. Remember that less is more, regardless of the cost.

We love when you wear your signature scent, but your cologne shouldn't overpower your manliness and the sweet, delicious comingling of smoking premium sticks as you enter the cigar lounge. Or kill the writer at the bar.

If every time you move, you instantly think, "Damn, I smell good," you're wearing too much. You want the ladies to move in close and whisper, "Wow. You smell delicious. Want to buy me a cigar?" not "What the fuck is that smell?" as you step from the car.

Here's how to ensure you're wearing exactly the right amount:

After showering, but before you've put on your shirt, spritz some cologne into the air and walk through the mist.  If you're already dressed, a bit on the back of your neck and your wrists will do just fine, keeping in mind you should spray from about ten inches away., not get up close like a perfumery power-washer.

And remember: During these hotter months, or when heading to a warm cigar lounge, use even less than usual. The warmer the environment, the more intense the smells become because of science.

Look, we want to hang out with you at the cigar lounge without threat of asphyxiation. We think you're fun and funny and witty and clever. Plus, those cigars you smoke are swoon-worthy.

So if during evening preparations you spray and then think, "Oh shit. Too much! I might kill Penny!" Don't worry; you may still leave the house.  But first, take a cotton ball. Add rubbing alcohol. Apply to the area on your skin where the cologne landed. Don't overspray again.

Or we'll tell your mom.





*You're welcome.

**At first I wrote "older men" and then...no. Not as I wave hello to 50 myself! Hi 50, you miserable, looming cow.

***You should all thank my obsessive love of cake; without it, you wouldn't be reading this!

Cigar Lounge Manners (Dave Grohl edition): You never know who is around

The other day at the cigar lounge, sitting in the bar area were:

Valentino is
one of these people.

A bank vice president
Two policemen
A nanny
A sales manager of a huge car dealership
A cigar company owner
An owner of a popular restaurant and his wife
A financial-type guy required to wear a suit and tie. (I have difficulty retaining his job title.  Something about trading something.)
A master mechanic
A crazy writer girl (moi)
A Certified Executive Chef (one of 2,000 in the country)



If I gave you post-it notes with each job on them and asked you to match job to person, you'd surely eff it up royally.*  You just never know who someone is, who they know, and how they may influence your life right then or in the future.

[source]

So be on your best behavior.

Yes, you're at the cigar lounge to have fun, hang out with your friends, and smoke fantastic cigars.

So is everyone else. Two rules:

1. Don't embarrass yourself
2. Don't ruin everyone else's time

Sure, you may be having a rip-roaring time. But you're one of those people who gets louder with every adult beverage. That does not excuse your bad behavior.

[source]

The whole point of smoking a cigar is to relax. One friend (Hi Karl!) calls it a mini-vacation. He said the other day he had three vacations. One of the best days in a long time.

The cigar culture and community allows you to deal with your day, catch up with friends, relax, reflect.

If you want to drink to get drunk and yell to friends across the room, please go to a sports bar. No, you can't smoke there, but you can be an ass, and if your ultimate goal is to drink as much as possible, just shy of blackout drunk, go there. Please.

[source]

 

Be memorable for your cigar choice. Your interesting insight. Even for being the quiet guy in the corner. Don't be memorable for all the wrong reasons. You may wind up regretting it:

That bank where you're going to research mortgages? See the VP over there? You may not remember him, but he remembers you. You aren't getting the lowest interest rate possible.

Darn, you were speeding. The policemen who pulled you over? No, he may not seem familiar to you, but he remembers how belligerent you got last weekend at his favorite cigar lounge where he went to relax after a tough day.

[source]

The car sales manager? He gets the best deals for his cigar buddies, willing to take a cut in commission for a pal. You won't be getting any deals. Trust us.

The cigar company owner? He and the rep have been handing out cigars to friendly folks all night, folks who bought him a drink or showed him kindness in one way or another--a compliment, a funny story, whatever. You're jealous watching everyone else get some? You're an obvious pain-in-the-ass who's causing him to roll his eyes in disgust. No cigar for you.

The very generous restaurant owner and his wife frequently buy a round for the good-natured folks. Again, you'll get none of this goodwill. Nor will you get an extra appetizer on the house next time you go to the restaurant. (And you do go to the restaurant. Everyone does.)

The financial planner? He's at a friend's office where you're interviewing for a great job. He sees you, remembers you, and calls his friend later in the day. You don't get the job. Sorry, not sorry. And when your girlfriend tries to tell you everything happens for a reason, please remember that reason isn't always a good one.

[source]

The master mechanic fixes many of our cars on his days off, for a small labor cost and no upcharge on parts. Have fun taking yours to the dealership to get that rattle checked out.

No, you shouldn't be nice and un-obnoxious to people just so you can get stuff.  You should be a decent human being because...just because.  You're young. You don't see how repercussions from one small act can have a loooong-lasting reach. Trust us. You will. 

Hopefully, karma will not kick you in the balls because you deserve it. But if you do deserve it and we've had the pleasure of your loud mouth or intoxication ruining one of our evenings, we'll be more than happy to watch and record every #cigarloungedouchebag move. Hell, we'll even hold karma's hat and coat while that job gets done.

Just because it's funny.
[source]

*Except for the me part. I'm usually the only one with a laptop. And most often the only girl, except the bartender.

Cigar Lounge Manners: Language...

When you were a kid and said a "bad word," did your parental unit*

A. Slap you upside the head?
B. Ignore you?
C. Yell at you, incorporating the same bad words?
D. Give you the death stare and say under his/her breath, Language...?

I have no memory of what my parents did, but I probably didn't swear because I didn't want to get in trouble.**

Now that you're an adult, you can say anything you want! Anything! And no one can stop you because They are not the boss of you.  Ain't life grand?

When you're adulting throughout the day, you know when to keep the F-bombs inside (work) and when to let them rip (when you drop a hammer on your foot).  Then there are the 50 shades of grey areas: Go for it! Swear mostly any place you won't get fired or divorced or arrested for sliding into NC-17 language.

Technically, the cigar lounge falls into this anything-goes category, since it's for grown-ups only.

However. 

HowEVER.

You know this, but it bears repeating. The cigar lounge is a place where folks can relax and reflect, and slowly enjoy a premium cigar or two. Generally the music (if any) is low, allowing for chats without background noise drowning out the person next to you. Essentially, take everything you know about a sports bar and then consider the complete opposite. Boom. There's your cigar lounge.

Your loud mouth shouldn't spew the F-word and even (gasp) the C-word, whether in anger or for emphasis.  Sure, we all have our moments of cursitude,*** especially when among friends or asshats. But yelling it every other word?

No.

Repetitively in all its forms (adjective, adverb, noun, verb...), especially all in the same sentence?

No.

When loudly discussing your former spouse, current boss, or the neighbor who consistently and carelessly mows a portion of your lawn way too short even though the property delineation is incredibly clear?

No, although we'll cut you a bit of slack for the last one. After all, it's your lawn. The only thing cut and pruned better is your manscape.

Imagine you're settled in at the cigar lounge, finally relaxing from the chaos that is your life, and someone pulls you from your sweet, sweet reverie with a series of FUCKs.**** 

If you fall into the category of people who don't realize they're swearing, you could get one of those shock collars and give your best friend the remote, although I suspect that will result in a skewed swear-to-shock ratio.*****

A better option: When you step into the cigar lounge, imagine your childhood behavior enforcer standing behind you, ready to whack your noggin, holler bloody hell at you, or creepily whisper Language... through clenched teeth.

Because if you're going to do it, do it right.

Look, I'm not saying swearing is bad and you should never do it.****** I'm saying consider the folks around you and your environment before you work yourself into a cursive frenzy.


P.S. (Is that a thing in a blog post? In this blog, abso-fucking-lutely.) Anyway, for your dining and dancing pleasure, I give you...

The top ten times in history when using the "F" word was appropriate (Stolen from the mighty, mighty internets)

10.		"What the fuck was that?" -- The Mayor of Hiroshima
9.		"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" -- General Custer
8.		"Any fucking idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
7.		"It does SO fucking look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso
6.		"How the fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagorus
5.		"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
4.		"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain." -- Joan of Arc
3.		"Scattered fucking showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2.		"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" -- JFK
1.		1. "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton

*Obvs, I came of age in the 1980s.

**I'm SUCH a nerd

***Word I just invented and LOVE.

****The word, not the action.

*****Funny how best friends can simultaneously be your strongest ally and the world's biggest asshole.

******Because damn, I'm good at it!

Cigar Lounge Manners: A basic understanding helps us all (and a deficiency is how some blog posts are born.)

This happened recently: A guy came into the cigar lounge and requested a punch cigar.

"We don't have Punch,"* the bartender said.

They went back and forth like this for way longer than they should have--very "Who's on First."

 

 

He finally (finally!) said he wanted a punch cigar, "not one that you cut."

 

We all lost ten minutes of our lives we'll never get back--although I got a blog post out of it, so not all bad...

 

You're reading this, so I assume you do have a basic understanding about how cigars work--a ton of brands exist and a hundred million tons of cigars** from all those companies, different ways to cut your cigar choice, the proper way to light the sucker... (Watching the guy light it was another horror story.)

 

If you don't know the basics, take ten minutes and check out Cigar Aficionado's Cigars 101.  You won't know alllll the things about cigars, but at least you'll take off on the right foot.***

 

And not wind up the subject of a blog post--unless it's for being your awesome cigar-smoking self.

 

 

 

*If you haven't tried this yet, you totally should.

 

**Slight exaggeration. Very slight.

 

***There's a foot on your cigar, too.

Cigar Lounge Manners: Can't we all just get along?

We can't get along with everyone, even if we try really, really, really hard. You're inevitably going to clash with someone, even if you are the nicest person on earth--sadly, a fact of life,* even in the cigar lounge.

Me.

Could be Bitchy McJealousy who doesn't like you talking to her boyfriend/ husband/ secret lover**/ whatever.

Or Drunky von Loudmouth who makes obnoxious statements--and then you realize he isn't drunk--just an asshole.

Or even the Pesky O'shitishehereagain, who you know is probably a nice guy, but he illogically bugs you.

These folks infiltrate your cigar clubhouse and, unless you own the place, you can't grab them by the scruff and heave them over the threshold, directly into traffic.

Unlike middle school, where you get your BFFs to talk trash about that person and make them cry during recess, you have to be a little more diplomatic as an adult, unfortunately. At least in the cigar lounge. (What you do during recess outside of the lounge is totally up to you.)

Besides leaving upon their arrival, how do you handle this most uncomfortable situation (assuming you don't want to spend the night in the pokey)?

DO

• Smile when they come in, even if it kills you.***

• Slide over if they'd like to sit together and you're between two empty seats. Or move to a comfy chair if you don't want to be in the vicinity.
• Kill them with kindness, which gives you the upper hand. Buy a drink or a cigar. Then they have to thank you. A little passive aggressive, but sometimes that's all the power you have.
• Keep your seething inside. 
• Make sure you're not being oversensitive or that your first meeting centered around another issue that caused you distress.
• Make sure you're not the asshole in this non-relationship. Did you maybe do something that offended the person without realizing it?
• Hate to say it, but perhaps chatting with the person might help the situation and make you both more comfortable in the other person's airspace. Be assertive, but not aggressive during the chat.

DON'T

• Mumble under your breath when the other person speaks; this may be the hardest thing you do all year, but you'll thank me. (You're welcome.)
• Roll your eyes. Even if you don't think they can see you, getting caught acting like a teenager doesn't help your cause. (You can, however, do the hard, unblinking stare to your partner or partner-in-crime, and that stare means a lot. Valentino and I have entire conversations this way.)

• Engage. If he's one of those people who wants to argue about anything and everything, redirect his attention  ("Is that Kate Upton over there?") or chat with someone else.
• Mock their cigar choice. That's bad form all the way around.  You're better than that. (Although if he or she chooses...nevermind.)
• Badmouth the person to others. If you want to bitch, do it in the company of your BFF, not in a lounge social group. And make sure, if you're going to tell your pals, make the story a good one; pay attention to details.

Naturally, every situation is different and we all handle difficult times uniquely. Valentino will confront an issue head on, asking, "What do you think caused us to butt heads? Let's get past this." I, however, will seethe, creating serious internal combustion, which can only be soothed with Hostess snack cakes. In fact, I may or may not be doing that very exercise at this moment.


*Not The Facts of Life.

**You're welcome for the earworm.

***And if you die, you don't have to be nice any more.

Cigar Lounge Manners: Leave your cigs in the car, please

Two words: Cigar. Lounge.

Not cigarette lounge.



They're looking down on you
 because you're lighting up a cigarette in a cigar lounge

Here's the difference:

Premium cigars are hand-rolled tobacco leaves. The end. The smells and smoke are natural by-products of the leaves--just leaves. And those smells vary, based on where the plant was grown, where on the plant the leaves come from, and how long those leaves are fermented.  The end. Again.

Cigarettes are, according to the American Lung Association, a mixture of 600 ingredients that create 7,200 chemicals, 69 of which are carcinogens. When you bring your cigarettes in and light up, you're forcing the patrons to inhale those chemicals--just like if you smoked anywhere else.

Additionally, the cigar culture is based on calmness and reflection, with cigars taking up to 90 minutes to smoke. Those cigarettes? There's no time for reflection. Your goal is to get as much nicotine into your system as soon and as quickly as possible; you certainly don't look relaxed--more frantic than anything else. If you come in and chain smoke cigarettes, you're literally doing the cigar lounge wrong.

No. Literally.

Smoke and smokers are not created equally.

Know why?
Because he knows better than to smoke cigs at the cigar lounge.

If you're heading to the cigar lounge with some pals, leave the cigs in the car and purchase a cigar. If you aren't sure what you'll like, ask the lounge attendant/humidor manager for a suggestion. (Be sure to tell him/her you are a cig smoker; this will affect his/her recommendation.) Trust us: There's something for everyone.

Now give that cigar an open-minded shot--but remember that lighting and smoking a cigar comes with its own set of rules. Watch others or ask for assistance. But that's a blog post for another day...

Relaxxxedddddd... Well, as relaxed as you can be on Archer.

NOTE: If you don't love Archer one billion percent, then we can't be friends anymore. Sorry!

Cigar Lounge Manners: I need my space!

When the space is yours

Even though you're in a public place, there's an understanding that your cigar lounge space shan't be disturbed or infiltrated. Even if you leave your stuff and walk away from the bar or your chair, it will be exactly the same when you come back, nary an item moved, no one's ass in your seat.

Except sometimes, when no one is looking, someone new will borrow a lighter from an absent spacelord, or move the stuff aside and slip into the chair.

This has happened too. [source]

The cigar lounge is an obvious social place, where most people know or are at least familiar with the guests and feel comfortable leaving their things to chat with a friend. Keep this in mind: Even if you see a seat empty for a realllllly long time, you don't get to decide the resident won't be back and it's fine to take his chair.

Every once in a while, you'll see this: Someone pushes stuff aside and sits. When they're told, "Hey, so-and-so is sitting there," the response is "Fuck him." However, assume they are best friends and this is standard practice. Do not assume you can do this. You can't.


When space is at a premium

Oh, the busy days at the cigar lounge, when the only elbow room is the classic song in your head:



You need to remember the cigar lounge isn't your home, where you can sprawl out on the couch and make your kids/wife/dog sit on the floor. Yes, everyone here loves you, but you need to make room for them to enjoy your company.



Not you. [source]

During these times of extreme squishiness, remember to honor other people's privacy by not sticking your nose into their conversations. Even if you can hear their every word, your job as a good patron is to pretend you can't hear a word they're saying--even if it is super juicy gossip.

Valentino and I had a not-heated, but certainly lukewarm, discussion about this. He reminded me that the friendliness of the cigar lounge community means you can jump into other people's conversations. I say yes and no--and that depends on body language. If someone is chatting but making eye contact with the people around, then yes. But if you notice they're focused on each other, then maybe you shouldn't jump in. Think of it this way: Is the front door open, welcome to guests or is it shut for privacy? Same idea.

Anyway, remember to respect other patrons' eardrums by using your inside voice. People sitting tete-a-tete should not have to yell in order to hear each other.

In fact, pretend you're sitting in your own little world. Or cone of silence.

Would you believe... The Cone of Silence! [source]

Unless you just happen to sit next to your best friend, in which case all bets are off and conversation becomes a free-for-all. Wheeee!


And when you want some space.

Similarly, if there's a vacant seat on either side of someone and you come in with your best girl, no harm asking folks to slide in one direction or the other so you can sit together.

Do not not not sit across the room and give the people sitting between the empty chairs the stink eye. It's not the bar fly's fault you're chicken. And even if you are afraid, quietly ask the bartender if she'll make the request.  Remember, we're in the cigar lounge, where some of the nicest people converge.

No one is going to say, "No, I don't want to move. My assprint is fully engrained in this chair."  They're going to say "Of course" and slide over.

Unless it's your best friend, in which case, expect a cold stare and a solid "No" before the smile and slide.

 

One of my favorite things ever.
You're welcome.

 

Cigar Lounge Manners: Don't lie

We allllll do it. And if you say you don't, then you're doing it.

There's the white version, to spare another's feelings:

• That dress looks great on you.
• I had a fantastic time.
• I'd love to buy you ice cream, but the line is too long.

When you're hanging in the cigar lounge, maybe you embellish a bit. Who can blame you? As I like to say, "We're all heroes of our own story." If that requires sparkles added to the story... ::shrug:: So it goes.*

But when lying becomes a big part of your cigar lounge persona, there's a problem.

“All this happened, more or less.”**

Unfortunately, usually less.

Don't forget that the folks in the lounge continue to chat even when you aren't there. (No, the place doesn't go dark when you head out.) They're going to compare stories. They're going to quickly note discrepancies.

“When everything was beautiful and nothing hurt...”***

Maybe the tellers of tall tales seek to recreate these beautiful moments as they concoct stories. But it's almost demeaning, what they expect us to believe. Sometimes we, frustrated, threaten to call these gentlemen out, show the documented research proving them wrong.

But that's not the cigar lounge way.

These lies generally stem from real life unhappiness. Smoking a cigar should be a mini-vacation from...everything, so spending this time worrying and trying to keep lies straight negates the benefits of cigar time.

Sadly, these folks are doing the cigar culture wrong. But who are we to judge?

So we let them show us pictures and tell us personal stories about stock photos and non-existent vacations. We're polite like that.

Once someone started to tell a story about a sailboat she "owns." Having sailed and owned boats for many a year, I figured this THIS will be our connection! We'll chat away and become BFFs. But panic struck her face when I started talking boat. She then turned to the person to her right and chattered away, as if we'd never spoken. In my experience, anyone with a boat wants to talk about their boat. So....yeah. Liar, liar pants on fire, unfortunately.

We'd probably like these folks just fine--maybe even more so--if we could just know the real people holding the cigars. After all, I'm the most boring person in the entire universe and people like me just fine. (At least that's the impression I get while at the lounge. Who knows what happens when I leave.****)

Like who you are and I'm pretty sure we'll love you! The cigar community is the nicest group of people on earth. Impress us with your real awesomeness, not some stuff you think will impress us. We're a simple people...***** But not a dumb bunch; trust us. In fact, most of us are wicked smaht.****** We promise to like you for you.

The quotation maker.

*A billion bonus life points for getting the reference without a Google search. There's a book and film, by the way.

**Same reference. First line.

***Ditto, but not first line, obvs.

****I just pretend nothing bad is said, although what could they say? Gosh, she types a lot.

*****In a good way.

******Paraphrasing another favorite movie. More life bonus points for getting this reference.

Cigar Lounge Manners: The awkward conversation (ugh)

Oh, it happens to the best of us. (Although the worst of us don't seem to have as much trouble...)

Me, daily.

Anyway, some of us (cough, me, cough) tend to personify awkward conversation, while folks like Valentino are masters of conversation. As a matter of fact, our friend Jim (Hi Jim!) and I watched the master in action and Jim said, "How does he manage to get people to tell him the most private things?" True story. He'd just met the woman and she was telling him things I don't even think I've told him.* That man can make any conversation sparkle.

Lucky bugger. I've yet to see him in the midst of an awkward conversation. I, however, live in Awkwardville. But awkwardness does happen, even in the cigar lounge family. Unlike during a chat with your creepy Uncle Bing (who turns every conversation instantly awkward), at the lounge, you can't turn around, storm to your room, and blast Led Zeppelin.

So then what? We're thinking Valentino should teach a class. Or you could keep reading. Same difference.

Let's start at the very beginning:
A very good place to start. You know you'd become BFFs with that cool guy at the other end of the bar if you could just figure out how to start the conversation.

The joy--pure joy--of the cigar lounge is the perpetual conversation starter. Repeat after us: "What are you smoking?" When he answers, focus on him. "How do you like that?" or a similar query to start conversing about something you know he's interested in. This works best.

Don't turn the conversation towards yourself. Your self-imposed mission is to connect with him, not try to impress him with your cleverness--although you can certainly sneak some of that in there!

And remember remember remember: Don't just interject yourself into an established conversation. Interlopers don't make good friends.

Redirection is key when a conversation goes sideways:

The best approach Jim and I saw, as we prepared to cringe while watching a conversation tumble around the participants:

"Oh! I'm sorry to interrupt, but I don't want to forget again. I've been meaning to ask you..." And then fill in any bit of information you can think of, like... 

• How's your wife? Is she feeling better?
• Is your daughter doing better in school?
• How's your car running now? Where did you take the car to be repaired? I'm looking for a new mechanic.
• What are you reading now? [Don't ask this of Valentino. He'll say books are dumb. But I can talk forever about books.**]
• Can you give me the recipe for...
• Do you know when [name]'s birthday is?

(Fun fact--Did  you know it only takes four seconds of silence to turn a conversation awkward?***) 


When you're considering pulling the fire alarm to get out of a conversation, fines be damned:

Sometimes this is the hardest part. I wish I could be one of those people who just turns and walks away (while Led Zeppelin blasts in my head), but my mom would know, via her spidey-senses. Then she'd be disappointed.****

You can, however, excuse yourself without breaking manners protocol:

Tell your partner in conversation, "Oh my gosh. There's Percival. I need to chat with him for a second. Excuse me."  This technique is frequently included in lists of "How to get out of a conversation without committing murder." But if you're as awkward as I am, and as much of a terrible liar as well, this probably won't work for you.

The other tried-and-true bailing method: "I've got to get going. I promised Bob, Ted, and Alice I'd meet them at the restaurant and I'm already late." Obviously, this isn't going to work if you don't want to leave the cigar lounge. Plus, he can see you if you don't leave. Awkward.

Sure, the non-verbal signals exist, but what if your conversation nemesis is oblivious? Stand and move away from him, and you'll just be followed. Look at your phone, respond to a fake text, and say "I've got to return this call. Excuse me."

Speaking of the phone, I hear Valentino tell people, "Well, I'll let you go" as if this were their request. I don't have the skillz for this either. Either I don't answer the phone at all or do and need to abandon ship quickly, I'll say (to a loved one), "I've got to pee."***** Use this excuse in person and no one's going to ignore you, letting nature take its course. Awkward and embarrassing.

Okay. If you're still confused, meet us for a drink and watch Valentino in action. It's a sight to behold.




*And yes, she knew I existed. I sat right next to him! We'd been introduced!

**Thanks for asking. Right now, I'm reading Dry Bones, the newest Longmire book by Craig Johnson.

***I'd tell you the source, but I can't remember where I read this. Since I saw it on the mighty, mighty internets, it must be true, right? Oh! Found it! New York Magazine!

****And we all know this is a million times worse than her being mad.

*****I know. Classy.

Cigar Lounge Manners: Make someone’s day or: Random Acts of Awesome

We've all heard about random acts of kindness, but things seem to have taken a selfish turn over the past couple of years, thanks especially to Facebook and other social media outlets.

You see it a couple of times a day, someone proclaiming, "I just paid for the person behind me in the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru line!" Subtext: Aren't I great? Or "I just left happy messages on all the bathroom mirrors at work--even in the men's room!" Subtext: Aren't I clever and nice?

If you're interested in performing a true random act of kindness, keep it to yourself. Your goal is to make someone's day better, not get kudos from your Facebook friends. A great place to spread the joy is the cigar lounge, where you're given hours of peace, friendship, and joy.* Here are some suggestions, in absolutely no order whatsoever:

• When a friend purchases a cigar from the shop humidor, quietly tell the bartender/humidor manager to put it on your tab. Your pal won't know until he pays his bill.

• If someone new comes into the lounge, introduce yourself and make him feel more comfortable. Remember that a good experience during the first visit usually means he'll come back. He may wind up being your new BFF!

• Give someone a book you think they'll like.

• Give the bartender a huge tip...just because. You don't have to do this all the time, but the kind gesture will make her day.

• Learn people's names and use them.

• Listen... and don't interrupt or share your own story. Most of us need to work out a problem by talking through it. Be that listener.

• Give someone a compliment.

• Introduce people you think would enjoy each other's company.

• When sitting near an acquaintance, if the two of you are struggling to keep a conversation going, say, "Tell me about yourself." Generally, people like to talk about themselves--it's a topic in which they're very well-versed.

• Smile.

• Tell the lounge manager or owner about great service you received--whether help choosing a new cigar, excellent cocktail service, or pure kindness. Unfortunately, supervisors generally only hear about the bad or unfortunate incidents. This will be a great surprise to both of them.

• Ask someone else's opinion about a cigar without saying "I know" at any time, even if you do know.

• Donate cigars or cash to Cigars for Warriors anonymously.

• Offer to drive someone home.

There are twenty zillion other opportunities for making someone's day. I'd encourage you to share with us, but that goes against everything I said in the beginning.

So my challenge to you: Do something nice, a Random Act of Awesome, no matter how big or small, and keep it to yourself.





*If these aren't the regular by-products of your cigar lounge time, you should probably find a place more suited to your personality and needs.

Cigar Lounge Manners: Don't be a know-it-all

Actual cigar lounge discussion (overheard) between first-timer visitors:

Her: I've had ALL* the Drew Estate cigars and there isn't a bad one. I love every one of them.

Him: Really.

Her: Yep. All the ACIDs AND the Naturals are great.

Part of me wants to jump in and tell her those aren't all the Drew Estate cigars and then begin listing them from memory: What about Undercrown? Liga Privada? Tabak? And so on...

But I don't, because that would either make her defensive or angry, and neither are the desired effect of a cigar lounge conversation.

When you know everything about everything, people will stop believing you right quick. Either that, or they will get annoyed even more quickly. Or both.

Someone we know imagines himself privy to all information about a couple of subjects. He then inserts himself into all conversations about that topic--especially conversations far away, so he gets to yell his (usually incorrect) information. Some regulars leave the area** when he starts talking, because telling him to shut the F up wouldn't be right.

I don't think he even knows how annoying he has become. He should take the following quiz. Maybe you should too, just in case

How to tell if you're that guy:

• Do you interject something into every conversation, even ones you're not part of?
• When a particular topic comes about, do you start talking over other people?
• Do you talk really fast about this topic, not giving others the opportunity to share their knowledge?
• Is everyone in the world less knowledgeable than you?
• Do you like to point out that other people are wrong?***
• Do you say things like "What you should do..."?
• Do people roll their eyes when you start talking?

• Answer "No" to all and you need to take an honest look at yourself.
• Answer "Yes" to one or two of these, and you're on the know-it-all path.
• Answer "Yes" to more than two and you are "that guy."

Here's how to remedy the situation:

Listen.

That's all you have to do. Listen to what others are saying and even if you have something to say, keep it in. Listen for them to ask your opinion or ask you a question.

And then there's one case of Don't Listen. If you're not part of the conversation, especially one not within normal speaking range, then don't say anything unless you're invited.

The other day at a cigar lounge, I overheard someone talking about the inspiration for Herman Melville's 1851 novel Moby Dick. His facts were incorrect. The 1820 sinking of the whaleship Essex inspired the book. How do I know? I previously researched whaling history in general and the Essex in particular. Did I correct him? Nope.



Hahaha!
[source]

Why didn't I interject?

I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his friends.

Also, his incorrect statement wouldn't affect anyone's life--Oh! Unless someone overhears and then remembers while on Jeopardy! and loses Final Jeopardy because of this incident. That would be bad.

Anyway, my life didn't change and neither did his. I went back to eating my Ring Ding and he had another drink.

My new obsession.

Give it a shot--keep all your know-it-all knowledge in and see what happens. Report back, please. We're dying to know how it turns out!



*Emphasis hers.

**Area in the lounge, although sometimes it feels like leaving this area of town might be necessary.

***Even if they aren't.




*Emphasis hers.