When it's gone, it's gone. Also, when you're done with it, it's gone.

And when it's done, it's done.

We were who-knows-where the other day and a new smoker asked, "How much should I smoke?"

"All the time," we answered. (You're welcome, brand and shop owners.)

"No," he said, holding up the cigar for emphasis. "How far down should I smoke?"

Ahhh...one of life's great questions, comparable to "Band on or off while you smoke?" and "Cello on or off when storing them?"

I've read and/or heard to smoke it:

• to the halfway mark
• to the band
• until your fingers burn 
• until there's absolutely nothing left except burnt fingers and memories of emergency room visits

Stopping this one halfway
would have been a crime against nature.

One website stated, "Allow the cigar to die a dignified death; after it's smoked halfway, it will go out on its own." It commits suicide like a 1920s B-movie ingenue? I just can't bear to go on...

My head tilts like a confused puppy.

What did I just hear?

I paid $10/$15/$30/in some cases $100 for a cigar and I'm supposed to throw away half of it?

Valentino and the $100 smoke.
Even if he hadn't smoked it down to the nubbin',
I'd have demanded it.

Yes, a cigar may get stronger as you smoke it. And some will become harsh. But many won't. Some get better. Some are so fucking good you don't ever want to stop smoking them.

The same article states, "A cigar is not meant to be smoked down to the foot and the shorter you allow it to go the harsher the smoke will become" [sic].

[source]

But...but... The foot is the part you light!

What have we learned from this?

1. Just because it's on the  mighty, mighty internets doesn't mean it's true.*
2. A good majority of people in the lounge and on the internets will tell you the "right" way. While guidelines exist for propriety's sake, even those will vary from community to community, so hearken back to the basic rules of manners, all of which boil down to Treat others the way you want to be treated.

So how much of your cigar should you smoke?

Smoke the damn thing until it isn't pleasurable anymore--maybe it gets harsh or you're bored with the flavor profile. If it's so damn good you don't want to let it go, keep smoking. Just keep in mind: when in polite company, please don't pull out your high school roach clip; if you're alone, and the cigar continues to rock your world, go for it. (Just be sure to hide it again when you're done.)



*You're probably expecting me to tell you next that there's no Santa Claus. I would never tell you that. My very very wise mom says the more you believe, the more you get. I REALLY, REALLY believe.

Don't be a Douchebag: Another age-old question

I was procrastinating the other day* and came across this question, posited by the grandmaster of cigar publications, Cigar Aficionado: 

When going to a cigar lounge or bar, should you purchase a cigar from the establishment, or is it OK to bring your own?

We've long-debated this question, feeling shifty about smoking our own but also faced with the dilemma: When you own several thousand cigars and suffer through New England winters (and springs, obviously, said the girl who would soon be stuck on a highway behind a copse of heavy-duty sanders for way too long), you must patronize cigar lounges to smoke more than three rapid-fire puffs. 

This happened last year. Sooo...thank heavens for cigar lounges!

May I quote my mom, a very wise woman? 

If you question whether something could technically be wrong, it probably is. In other words, if your conscious causes you a milli-moment of doubt, you shouldn't be doing it. Don't do it.

Look, you're welcome to smoke your own, especially if a particular cigar holds your fancy hostage, ruining you for any another. Outside is out of the question, as Mother Nature gets in her moods. Enter: the cigar lounge. Or you enter the cigar lounge. Whatever.

So, yes! Smoke your own. But! Also! Buy a damn cigar. Support the shop. 

Pick up something you've never tried before. Get an old favorite you're running low on. Donate a couple to Cigars for Warriors! Buy one and hand it to a friend.

Please please please don't do this.
You know that, karmically,
announcing what you did negates any good deed, right?

If, say, 50% of the people who went into that lounge only smoked their own and didn't make any purchases, how long will the shop stay in business? Although the precise answer would involve math,** we can say with conviction, "Not as long as you'd want it to be."

Some shops charge a "cutting fee" (usually around $10) if you bring a cigar and don't make a purchase. Don't bitch about this fee. Ever. We will fight you.

An aside: Cigar lounges, might we make a suggestion? Since you aren't LOSING any money when someone comes in with his or her own cigar and you feel obligated to charge the cutting fee, might we recommend donating this money (or a portion of it) to a charity or non-profit? It might make the charge a little less horrible in the patron's eye--although most everyone we know understands the reasoning behind it.

Another alternative: Take out a membership at your favorite lounge(s). You won't have to make a purchase each time you want to smoke, plus you'll get additional advantages, like discounts, members-only events, advance notice of sales, perhaps a humidified locker, and definitely some new, awesome friends. (As a matter of fact, I'm currently writing this in the members' room of one of our home-base lounges!)

For the entire Cigar Aficionado answer, go here.

*If you know me, then you know this could be any day of the week, any time of day.

**Math is dumb.

Cigar Lounge Douchebag: Don't be a Hater--or a Generalizer (although we don't mind if you sweep)

We've discussed this before. It bears repeating. Apparently not everyone in the world reads every post. Shocking! I know!

Speaking of shocking, the other night* at an undisclosed cigar lounge, a relatively new visitor said, "Everyone always talks about their favorite cigars. That's boring. What cigars do you guys really hate?"

Valentino and I exchanged the look as this guy began listing cigar brands. Not just specific cigars or vitolas, mind you--he actually said, "Anything by____ and _____ and_____."

Whaaa?

When we were in Nicaragua last month, Nick Perdomo recommended you (we--haha not me, though) smoke all of a blend's sizes. Maybe you won't like the binder-filler combination in the bigger gauge, but scootch down to a smaller ring gauge and you could hit Nirvana with this ratio. By writing off the entire blend because of one size, you'd have done yourself a solid sad. Don't give yourself a solid sad.

Nick Perdomo is outstanding in his field.
He's also definitely NOT a douchebag.

As this guy blathered on, I held steady in that grey area where alertness and sleepiness converge. I wanted to smugly ask if he'd had all the cigars' variations these noted manufacturers manufactured, but I couldn't form complete thoughts with my foggy brain, so I kept my pie hole shut. (Mmmm. Pie.)

I did offer, "We don't say anything negative about..." but his negativity-track-mind disallowed my addition to his one-sided conversation.

Then brave, brave Valentino gave it the old community-college-try. "Maybe those don't fit your flavor profile, but that doesn't make them bad." This guy wanted no additions of logic or reason and turned away from our hero, shooting his diatribe toward another patron.

One cause of my college writing class fist-shaking (with an undercurrent of "Kids these days!") is sweeping generalizations.

Gratuitous grammar and writing lesson (no extra charge!): When you find yourself writing or speaking and using (or implying) ALL of something is true, your whole argument falls apart (unless you can prove your statement with hard facts and/or data). And since he obviously couldn't prove that every _____ cigar was "bad" (whatever that means), his argument--and therefore credibility--was shot.

So the next time you head into a cigar lounge, please please please remember:

1. Just because a cigar doesn't fit your flavor profile doesn't make it bad.
2. If you're looking for a fight, you're probably not going to find it in a cigar lounge.
3. Not every cigar of a particular company is bad. Everyone thinks that's stupid. (See what I did there?)
4. Try listening. You just might learn something. If you want to perform a monologue, go find a stage.
5. You are not the smartest person in the room. We're all good at something. Whatever you're good at doesn't make you better than anyone else.
6. Make friends, not people who dread seeing you walk into the shop.

Okay, class over. Go smoke a cigar. Try something new. You may be surprised.



*This USED to say "last night," but now it should read "many last nights ago.."

The Successful Cigar Lounge (Employee edition)

Jorge Padron [source] 

"...the focus should be on quality, not quantity.  By this I mean that it is not necessarily the biggest store or walk-in humidor that makes a tobacconist great, [sic] it is the quality of the employees that make the difference. Tobacconists that understand their customers' needs and preferences, and who pair that with the perfect product for that particular smoker, are successful at what they do." 

--Jorge Padron, from the Foreword in The Tabacconist Handbook

We've been thinking a lot about cigar lounges lately: What makes one successful and another not-so-much.

In a completely unscientific and totally slipshod experiment, using the word "experiment" so loose it's probably turning tricks on a shitty city street corner, we've made a few notes about what works and what doesn't in a cigar lounge (as it relates to humidor/cigar sales only).

These brain musings focus on the sales clerk/staff only (in no particular order). We'll take on the other aspects another day.

The Good Clerk

• Wants to know what you currently smoke.
• Offers recommendations through conversation rather than hard-selling a specific cigar.
• Remains in the vicinity for quick assistance but no so close you feel you need to buy him/her a drink. 
• Understands at least the basic cigar terminology and doesn't look like a confused cheerleader when you ask for a lancero.
• Shares info about the shop if you're new, including regular events and upcoming special events.

The Not-so-good Clerk

• Know everything about everything and anything you say is wrong. 
• Holds the world championship title in oneupsmanship.
• Follows you so closely that onlookers mistake you for newlyweds.
• Makes you look up a price in the humidor. 
• Is constantly surprised by the stock.
• Is too busy talking to other patrons to acknowledge your presence. (This is cousin to the clerk who stays on the phone without even making eye contact.) 
• Obviously works on commission or needs to meet a sales quota because you aren't getting past him unless you hand over your wallet or at least your AmEx. 

The Head-banging-on-counter/why-does-this-person-have-a-job? Clerk

• Doesn't greet you when you walk into the shop.
• Consistently mispronounces company/brand names--Olivia cigars, anyone?
• Goes missing when you need to pay. 
• Doesn't listen.
• Says "I just work here." 
• Tells you to give him a flat amount of cash where he's sitting rather than ringing you up. You don't need a receipt, right?
• Obviously steals from the owner. (Do you tell the owner? This is a post for another day.)

You've surely seen most, if not all, of these scenarios at one point or another.  Join us in applauding the Good Clerk. Thank the guy or gal personally. Then go one step further and tell the shop owner or manager about the great service.

If you own a shop, we recommend checking out these books:

Available for purchase here.

 

Available here.

More than the number of cigars your humidor holds or how many special events and dinners you hold, excellent customer service is what brings people back to your shop. Make sure every customer has an excellent visit. After all, you never know who they could recommend visit--or discourage from visiting your shop.

When the cigar lounge IS the douchebag...

A place you thought of as home. You consider this cigar lounge your very own Cheers, probably complete with your own Norm, Cliff, and the rest of the gang. This is your home away from home. Hell, you probably even eat some meals here. And maybe you've cat-napped in the back once or twice. (No judging here. We've done it.). You're relaxed, comfortable with both ambiance and people. This is your safe place, whether packed with friends or vacant of most lifeforms.

Until things change.



Nasty gossip about you or a friend. Yes, bartenders know everything that's going on because they speak with all the guests. But if (when) they decide to spread any kind of news, whether true or false, they become Patient 0.**

What these gossips forget is that for many of us, we're friends beyond the bar. And just like every other real friendship, we're going to protect each other. So while the bartender bitches about someone, a friend is nearby. That bitching will get back to the person. Not only have you lost that person's trust, you've probably also lost their patronage.

Yes, we're all human and sometimes need to get something off our chests, and sometimes not to the right people. But don't look shocked when you discover why they haven't been in as much, which brings us to something even worse...


Don't lie. You'll get caught, and that just makes everything so much worse. According to David Whitford and Peter Elkind in the Fortune article "Big Business and the Art of Lying,"It's a toxic landscape that poisons personal relations ('Failures of personal integrity, once revealed, are rarely forgotten'), and on a bigger scale, engenders reflexive distrust."

Yes, my mother is known for asking me, "Don't you ever let anything go?" When it comes to something like this, or how we couldn't go to 4th of July fireworks when I was eight because the truck battery died, the door not having been closed tightly, then the answer is "No."

And ultimately, that will hurt the business.

Sorry may seem to be the hardest word, but it will restore many more friendships and business acquaintanceships than another lie. Trust me.





*A completely made-up scenario, about as far from our kidless home as possible. Plus, my parents have a Bernese Mountain dog, so anything BUT yippy.

Meet Baxter. He's actually much bigger now...

**"The initial patient in the population of an epidemiological investigation." --source--don't judge]

Cigar Lounge Manners: No Trash Talking

"Dude. Really? A _____ [cigar brand]*?"

The smoker at the bar looks at his premium cigar as if for the first time, and finally says, "I really like these. It has good flavor. Have you had it?"

The instigator, rather than looking sheepish, gives the cigar another blast of Stinkeye. "No, but it's a _____. How good can it possibly be?"

The smoker takes a thoughtful puff, blows smoke out his nose like a cartoon bull, smiles like the Cheshire Cat...

...and says, "Pretty fucking good."

Unvocalized questions rattled around my noggin all night: Why? Why do people (a very small contingent, but still, enough to make a difference) do that, dissing each others' cigars?

Do you do that?

Don't do that. Please don't ever ever do that. Please.

Just because you don't like something--or it's less expensive than what you usually smoke--doesn't mean it's bad. It means it doesn't fit your flavor profile. Don't be a douchebag snob.

If you were to blind smoke a few cigars, could you even name the group's brands? Probably not. Don't make that face at us. A well-established rep we know did a blind taste test and didn't know he was smoking his own newly-released cigar (which he's smoked several times before ).

*Mad Libs? Nope--although that's a really really fun game. Because we're super duper nice here, we're never going to say anything negative about any cigar brand. Fill in the blank at your own whim.

**Not even kidding. We don't say anything negative on the blog, but if you're an asshat and steal from us and our sponsor [to be announced soon], your douchebaggery will be publically proclaimed.

Cigar Lounge Manners: Gag me with a...much-too-liberal spraying of cologne

o·dor·if·er·ous

ˌōdəˈrifərəs/

adjective

adjective: odoriferous

1. having or giving off a smell, especially an unpleasant or distinctive one.

   "spicily concocted with odoriferous herbs"

   
   

There I sat in the cigar lounge, 90% anti-social, writing funny word arrangements for you.* As I snickered, because I think I'm hilarious, I took a deep breath, reoxygenating myself. I almost died from noxious fumes. Really! I almost DIED!

I looked around for new arrivals; that odoriferous slap to the senses did not exist 30 seconds before. At least not in the warm cigar lounge, where someone's idea of sexy, when contained, intensified the horror that is cheap cologne.

A mere five feet from me sat a chummy menagerie of mid-50s lotharios,** all bedecked in their best polyester finery. Turning in their direction to launch the what-is-that-stink stinkeye, I received a full-on blast that surely would have sunk a slighter soul.***

Gentlemen,

When you're 13 and bathe in Axe, you don't know any better. We thank your moms and girlfriends for telling you to knock it off when you've used an entire can in two days.

As you progress through life, living on your own, earning your own keep and cologne money, we ask you for two things:

1. Please please please do not bathe in cheap fragrance.
2. Remember that less is more, regardless of the cost.

We love when you wear your signature scent, but your cologne shouldn't overpower your manliness and the sweet, delicious comingling of smoking premium sticks as you enter the cigar lounge. Or kill the writer at the bar.

If every time you move, you instantly think, "Damn, I smell good," you're wearing too much. You want the ladies to move in close and whisper, "Wow. You smell delicious. Want to buy me a cigar?" not "What the fuck is that smell?" as you step from the car.

Here's how to ensure you're wearing exactly the right amount:

After showering, but before you've put on your shirt, spritz some cologne into the air and walk through the mist.  If you're already dressed, a bit on the back of your neck and your wrists will do just fine, keeping in mind you should spray from about ten inches away., not get up close like a perfumery power-washer.

And remember: During these hotter months, or when heading to a warm cigar lounge, use even less than usual. The warmer the environment, the more intense the smells become because of science.

Look, we want to hang out with you at the cigar lounge without threat of asphyxiation. We think you're fun and funny and witty and clever. Plus, those cigars you smoke are swoon-worthy.

So if during evening preparations you spray and then think, "Oh shit. Too much! I might kill Penny!" Don't worry; you may still leave the house.  But first, take a cotton ball. Add rubbing alcohol. Apply to the area on your skin where the cologne landed. Don't overspray again.

Or we'll tell your mom.





*You're welcome.

**At first I wrote "older men" and then...no. Not as I wave hello to 50 myself! Hi 50, you miserable, looming cow.

***You should all thank my obsessive love of cake; without it, you wouldn't be reading this!

Cigar Lounge Manners (Dave Grohl edition): You never know who is around

The other day at the cigar lounge, sitting in the bar area were:

Valentino is
one of these people.

A bank vice president
Two policemen
A nanny
A sales manager of a huge car dealership
A cigar company owner
An owner of a popular restaurant and his wife
A financial-type guy required to wear a suit and tie. (I have difficulty retaining his job title.  Something about trading something.)
A master mechanic
A crazy writer girl (moi)
A Certified Executive Chef (one of 2,000 in the country)



If I gave you post-it notes with each job on them and asked you to match job to person, you'd surely eff it up royally.*  You just never know who someone is, who they know, and how they may influence your life right then or in the future.

[source]

So be on your best behavior.

Yes, you're at the cigar lounge to have fun, hang out with your friends, and smoke fantastic cigars.

So is everyone else. Two rules:

1. Don't embarrass yourself
2. Don't ruin everyone else's time

Sure, you may be having a rip-roaring time. But you're one of those people who gets louder with every adult beverage. That does not excuse your bad behavior.

[source]

The whole point of smoking a cigar is to relax. One friend (Hi Karl!) calls it a mini-vacation. He said the other day he had three vacations. One of the best days in a long time.

The cigar culture and community allows you to deal with your day, catch up with friends, relax, reflect.

If you want to drink to get drunk and yell to friends across the room, please go to a sports bar. No, you can't smoke there, but you can be an ass, and if your ultimate goal is to drink as much as possible, just shy of blackout drunk, go there. Please.

[source]

 

Be memorable for your cigar choice. Your interesting insight. Even for being the quiet guy in the corner. Don't be memorable for all the wrong reasons. You may wind up regretting it:

That bank where you're going to research mortgages? See the VP over there? You may not remember him, but he remembers you. You aren't getting the lowest interest rate possible.

Darn, you were speeding. The policemen who pulled you over? No, he may not seem familiar to you, but he remembers how belligerent you got last weekend at his favorite cigar lounge where he went to relax after a tough day.

[source]

The car sales manager? He gets the best deals for his cigar buddies, willing to take a cut in commission for a pal. You won't be getting any deals. Trust us.

The cigar company owner? He and the rep have been handing out cigars to friendly folks all night, folks who bought him a drink or showed him kindness in one way or another--a compliment, a funny story, whatever. You're jealous watching everyone else get some? You're an obvious pain-in-the-ass who's causing him to roll his eyes in disgust. No cigar for you.

The very generous restaurant owner and his wife frequently buy a round for the good-natured folks. Again, you'll get none of this goodwill. Nor will you get an extra appetizer on the house next time you go to the restaurant. (And you do go to the restaurant. Everyone does.)

The financial planner? He's at a friend's office where you're interviewing for a great job. He sees you, remembers you, and calls his friend later in the day. You don't get the job. Sorry, not sorry. And when your girlfriend tries to tell you everything happens for a reason, please remember that reason isn't always a good one.

[source]

The master mechanic fixes many of our cars on his days off, for a small labor cost and no upcharge on parts. Have fun taking yours to the dealership to get that rattle checked out.

No, you shouldn't be nice and un-obnoxious to people just so you can get stuff.  You should be a decent human being because...just because.  You're young. You don't see how repercussions from one small act can have a loooong-lasting reach. Trust us. You will. 

Hopefully, karma will not kick you in the balls because you deserve it. But if you do deserve it and we've had the pleasure of your loud mouth or intoxication ruining one of our evenings, we'll be more than happy to watch and record every #cigarloungedouchebag move. Hell, we'll even hold karma's hat and coat while that job gets done.

Just because it's funny.
[source]

*Except for the me part. I'm usually the only one with a laptop. And most often the only girl, except the bartender.

Cigar Lounge Manners: Language...

When you were a kid and said a "bad word," did your parental unit*

A. Slap you upside the head?
B. Ignore you?
C. Yell at you, incorporating the same bad words?
D. Give you the death stare and say under his/her breath, Language...?

I have no memory of what my parents did, but I probably didn't swear because I didn't want to get in trouble.**

Now that you're an adult, you can say anything you want! Anything! And no one can stop you because They are not the boss of you.  Ain't life grand?

When you're adulting throughout the day, you know when to keep the F-bombs inside (work) and when to let them rip (when you drop a hammer on your foot).  Then there are the 50 shades of grey areas: Go for it! Swear mostly any place you won't get fired or divorced or arrested for sliding into NC-17 language.

Technically, the cigar lounge falls into this anything-goes category, since it's for grown-ups only.

However. 

HowEVER.

You know this, but it bears repeating. The cigar lounge is a place where folks can relax and reflect, and slowly enjoy a premium cigar or two. Generally the music (if any) is low, allowing for chats without background noise drowning out the person next to you. Essentially, take everything you know about a sports bar and then consider the complete opposite. Boom. There's your cigar lounge.

Your loud mouth shouldn't spew the F-word and even (gasp) the C-word, whether in anger or for emphasis.  Sure, we all have our moments of cursitude,*** especially when among friends or asshats. But yelling it every other word?

No.

Repetitively in all its forms (adjective, adverb, noun, verb...), especially all in the same sentence?

No.

When loudly discussing your former spouse, current boss, or the neighbor who consistently and carelessly mows a portion of your lawn way too short even though the property delineation is incredibly clear?

No, although we'll cut you a bit of slack for the last one. After all, it's your lawn. The only thing cut and pruned better is your manscape.

Imagine you're settled in at the cigar lounge, finally relaxing from the chaos that is your life, and someone pulls you from your sweet, sweet reverie with a series of FUCKs.**** 

If you fall into the category of people who don't realize they're swearing, you could get one of those shock collars and give your best friend the remote, although I suspect that will result in a skewed swear-to-shock ratio.*****

A better option: When you step into the cigar lounge, imagine your childhood behavior enforcer standing behind you, ready to whack your noggin, holler bloody hell at you, or creepily whisper Language... through clenched teeth.

Because if you're going to do it, do it right.

Look, I'm not saying swearing is bad and you should never do it.****** I'm saying consider the folks around you and your environment before you work yourself into a cursive frenzy.


P.S. (Is that a thing in a blog post? In this blog, abso-fucking-lutely.) Anyway, for your dining and dancing pleasure, I give you...

The top ten times in history when using the "F" word was appropriate (Stolen from the mighty, mighty internets)

10.		"What the fuck was that?" -- The Mayor of Hiroshima
9.		"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" -- General Custer
8.		"Any fucking idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
7.		"It does SO fucking look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso
6.		"How the fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagorus
5.		"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
4.		"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain." -- Joan of Arc
3.		"Scattered fucking showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2.		"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" -- JFK
1.		1. "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton

*Obvs, I came of age in the 1980s.

**I'm SUCH a nerd

***Word I just invented and LOVE.

****The word, not the action.

*****Funny how best friends can simultaneously be your strongest ally and the world's biggest asshole.

******Because damn, I'm good at it!

Cigar Lounge Manners: A basic understanding helps us all (and a deficiency is how some blog posts are born.)

This happened recently: A guy came into the cigar lounge and requested a punch cigar.

"We don't have Punch,"* the bartender said.

They went back and forth like this for way longer than they should have--very "Who's on First."

 

 

He finally (finally!) said he wanted a punch cigar, "not one that you cut."

 

We all lost ten minutes of our lives we'll never get back--although I got a blog post out of it, so not all bad...

 

You're reading this, so I assume you do have a basic understanding about how cigars work--a ton of brands exist and a hundred million tons of cigars** from all those companies, different ways to cut your cigar choice, the proper way to light the sucker... (Watching the guy light it was another horror story.)

 

If you don't know the basics, take ten minutes and check out Cigar Aficionado's Cigars 101.  You won't know alllll the things about cigars, but at least you'll take off on the right foot.***

 

And not wind up the subject of a blog post--unless it's for being your awesome cigar-smoking self.

 

 

 

*If you haven't tried this yet, you totally should.

 

**Slight exaggeration. Very slight.

 

***There's a foot on your cigar, too.

Cigar Lounge Manners: Can't we all just get along?

We can't get along with everyone, even if we try really, really, really hard. You're inevitably going to clash with someone, even if you are the nicest person on earth--sadly, a fact of life,* even in the cigar lounge.

Me.

Could be Bitchy McJealousy who doesn't like you talking to her boyfriend/ husband/ secret lover**/ whatever.

Or Drunky von Loudmouth who makes obnoxious statements--and then you realize he isn't drunk--just an asshole.

Or even the Pesky O'shitishehereagain, who you know is probably a nice guy, but he illogically bugs you.

These folks infiltrate your cigar clubhouse and, unless you own the place, you can't grab them by the scruff and heave them over the threshold, directly into traffic.

Unlike middle school, where you get your BFFs to talk trash about that person and make them cry during recess, you have to be a little more diplomatic as an adult, unfortunately. At least in the cigar lounge. (What you do during recess outside of the lounge is totally up to you.)

Besides leaving upon their arrival, how do you handle this most uncomfortable situation (assuming you don't want to spend the night in the pokey)?

DO

• Smile when they come in, even if it kills you.***

• Slide over if they'd like to sit together and you're between two empty seats. Or move to a comfy chair if you don't want to be in the vicinity.
• Kill them with kindness, which gives you the upper hand. Buy a drink or a cigar. Then they have to thank you. A little passive aggressive, but sometimes that's all the power you have.
• Keep your seething inside. 
• Make sure you're not being oversensitive or that your first meeting centered around another issue that caused you distress.
• Make sure you're not the asshole in this non-relationship. Did you maybe do something that offended the person without realizing it?
• Hate to say it, but perhaps chatting with the person might help the situation and make you both more comfortable in the other person's airspace. Be assertive, but not aggressive during the chat.

DON'T

• Mumble under your breath when the other person speaks; this may be the hardest thing you do all year, but you'll thank me. (You're welcome.)
• Roll your eyes. Even if you don't think they can see you, getting caught acting like a teenager doesn't help your cause. (You can, however, do the hard, unblinking stare to your partner or partner-in-crime, and that stare means a lot. Valentino and I have entire conversations this way.)

• Engage. If he's one of those people who wants to argue about anything and everything, redirect his attention  ("Is that Kate Upton over there?") or chat with someone else.
• Mock their cigar choice. That's bad form all the way around.  You're better than that. (Although if he or she chooses...nevermind.)
• Badmouth the person to others. If you want to bitch, do it in the company of your BFF, not in a lounge social group. And make sure, if you're going to tell your pals, make the story a good one; pay attention to details.

Naturally, every situation is different and we all handle difficult times uniquely. Valentino will confront an issue head on, asking, "What do you think caused us to butt heads? Let's get past this." I, however, will seethe, creating serious internal combustion, which can only be soothed with Hostess snack cakes. In fact, I may or may not be doing that very exercise at this moment.


*Not The Facts of Life.

**You're welcome for the earworm.

***And if you die, you don't have to be nice any more.

Cigar Lounge Manners: Leave your cigs in the car, please

Two words: Cigar. Lounge.

Not cigarette lounge.



They're looking down on you
 because you're lighting up a cigarette in a cigar lounge

Here's the difference:

Premium cigars are hand-rolled tobacco leaves. The end. The smells and smoke are natural by-products of the leaves--just leaves. And those smells vary, based on where the plant was grown, where on the plant the leaves come from, and how long those leaves are fermented.  The end. Again.

Cigarettes are, according to the American Lung Association, a mixture of 600 ingredients that create 7,200 chemicals, 69 of which are carcinogens. When you bring your cigarettes in and light up, you're forcing the patrons to inhale those chemicals--just like if you smoked anywhere else.

Additionally, the cigar culture is based on calmness and reflection, with cigars taking up to 90 minutes to smoke. Those cigarettes? There's no time for reflection. Your goal is to get as much nicotine into your system as soon and as quickly as possible; you certainly don't look relaxed--more frantic than anything else. If you come in and chain smoke cigarettes, you're literally doing the cigar lounge wrong.

No. Literally.

Smoke and smokers are not created equally.

Know why?
Because he knows better than to smoke cigs at the cigar lounge.

If you're heading to the cigar lounge with some pals, leave the cigs in the car and purchase a cigar. If you aren't sure what you'll like, ask the lounge attendant/humidor manager for a suggestion. (Be sure to tell him/her you are a cig smoker; this will affect his/her recommendation.) Trust us: There's something for everyone.

Now give that cigar an open-minded shot--but remember that lighting and smoking a cigar comes with its own set of rules. Watch others or ask for assistance. But that's a blog post for another day...

Relaxxxedddddd... Well, as relaxed as you can be on Archer.

NOTE: If you don't love Archer one billion percent, then we can't be friends anymore. Sorry!

Cigar Lounge Manners: I need my space!

When the space is yours

Even though you're in a public place, there's an understanding that your cigar lounge space shan't be disturbed or infiltrated. Even if you leave your stuff and walk away from the bar or your chair, it will be exactly the same when you come back, nary an item moved, no one's ass in your seat.

Except sometimes, when no one is looking, someone new will borrow a lighter from an absent spacelord, or move the stuff aside and slip into the chair.

This has happened too. [source]

The cigar lounge is an obvious social place, where most people know or are at least familiar with the guests and feel comfortable leaving their things to chat with a friend. Keep this in mind: Even if you see a seat empty for a realllllly long time, you don't get to decide the resident won't be back and it's fine to take his chair.

Every once in a while, you'll see this: Someone pushes stuff aside and sits. When they're told, "Hey, so-and-so is sitting there," the response is "Fuck him." However, assume they are best friends and this is standard practice. Do not assume you can do this. You can't.


When space is at a premium

Oh, the busy days at the cigar lounge, when the only elbow room is the classic song in your head:



You need to remember the cigar lounge isn't your home, where you can sprawl out on the couch and make your kids/wife/dog sit on the floor. Yes, everyone here loves you, but you need to make room for them to enjoy your company.



Not you. [source]

During these times of extreme squishiness, remember to honor other people's privacy by not sticking your nose into their conversations. Even if you can hear their every word, your job as a good patron is to pretend you can't hear a word they're saying--even if it is super juicy gossip.

Valentino and I had a not-heated, but certainly lukewarm, discussion about this. He reminded me that the friendliness of the cigar lounge community means you can jump into other people's conversations. I say yes and no--and that depends on body language. If someone is chatting but making eye contact with the people around, then yes. But if you notice they're focused on each other, then maybe you shouldn't jump in. Think of it this way: Is the front door open, welcome to guests or is it shut for privacy? Same idea.

Anyway, remember to respect other patrons' eardrums by using your inside voice. People sitting tete-a-tete should not have to yell in order to hear each other.

In fact, pretend you're sitting in your own little world. Or cone of silence.

Would you believe... The Cone of Silence! [source]

Unless you just happen to sit next to your best friend, in which case all bets are off and conversation becomes a free-for-all. Wheeee!


And when you want some space.

Similarly, if there's a vacant seat on either side of someone and you come in with your best girl, no harm asking folks to slide in one direction or the other so you can sit together.

Do not not not sit across the room and give the people sitting between the empty chairs the stink eye. It's not the bar fly's fault you're chicken. And even if you are afraid, quietly ask the bartender if she'll make the request.  Remember, we're in the cigar lounge, where some of the nicest people converge.

No one is going to say, "No, I don't want to move. My assprint is fully engrained in this chair."  They're going to say "Of course" and slide over.

Unless it's your best friend, in which case, expect a cold stare and a solid "No" before the smile and slide.

 

One of my favorite things ever.
You're welcome.

 

Cigar Lounge Manners: Don't lie

We allllll do it. And if you say you don't, then you're doing it.

There's the white version, to spare another's feelings:

• That dress looks great on you.
• I had a fantastic time.
• I'd love to buy you ice cream, but the line is too long.

When you're hanging in the cigar lounge, maybe you embellish a bit. Who can blame you? As I like to say, "We're all heroes of our own story." If that requires sparkles added to the story... ::shrug:: So it goes.*

But when lying becomes a big part of your cigar lounge persona, there's a problem.

“All this happened, more or less.”**

Unfortunately, usually less.

Don't forget that the folks in the lounge continue to chat even when you aren't there. (No, the place doesn't go dark when you head out.) They're going to compare stories. They're going to quickly note discrepancies.

“When everything was beautiful and nothing hurt...”***

Maybe the tellers of tall tales seek to recreate these beautiful moments as they concoct stories. But it's almost demeaning, what they expect us to believe. Sometimes we, frustrated, threaten to call these gentlemen out, show the documented research proving them wrong.

But that's not the cigar lounge way.

These lies generally stem from real life unhappiness. Smoking a cigar should be a mini-vacation from...everything, so spending this time worrying and trying to keep lies straight negates the benefits of cigar time.

Sadly, these folks are doing the cigar culture wrong. But who are we to judge?

So we let them show us pictures and tell us personal stories about stock photos and non-existent vacations. We're polite like that.

Once someone started to tell a story about a sailboat she "owns." Having sailed and owned boats for many a year, I figured this THIS will be our connection! We'll chat away and become BFFs. But panic struck her face when I started talking boat. She then turned to the person to her right and chattered away, as if we'd never spoken. In my experience, anyone with a boat wants to talk about their boat. So....yeah. Liar, liar pants on fire, unfortunately.

We'd probably like these folks just fine--maybe even more so--if we could just know the real people holding the cigars. After all, I'm the most boring person in the entire universe and people like me just fine. (At least that's the impression I get while at the lounge. Who knows what happens when I leave.****)

Like who you are and I'm pretty sure we'll love you! The cigar community is the nicest group of people on earth. Impress us with your real awesomeness, not some stuff you think will impress us. We're a simple people...***** But not a dumb bunch; trust us. In fact, most of us are wicked smaht.****** We promise to like you for you.

The quotation maker.

*A billion bonus life points for getting the reference without a Google search. There's a book and film, by the way.

**Same reference. First line.

***Ditto, but not first line, obvs.

****I just pretend nothing bad is said, although what could they say? Gosh, she types a lot.

*****In a good way.

******Paraphrasing another favorite movie. More life bonus points for getting this reference.