An explosion of awesome!

"I should buy those," I said, although I pretty much say that daily about a variety of cigars.

[source]

Sometimes I actually buy them. Sometimes I don't--for a variety of reasons, including I forgot about it or was distracted by something else. (Dust motes? Possibly. Ginger ale bubbles? Maybe. Another episode of Archer? Always.)

The world stops when this is on,
regardless of the time or prior commitments.

Thankfully, sometimes Facebook is an awesome secretary. Pal Barry Stein (Hi Barry!) of Two Guys SmokeShop in New Hampshire told us (okay, told the Facebook world) about the TatuajeM80.  Unless you're new to the blog,* you know Valentino and I love love love almost anything limited edition or hard-to-find. Plus...Tatuaje, so....

Barry's a wily bugger.  First, he said, "Hey, we have these. They're made for us and only us!"** and later, "Only xx boxes left!" And then "Really, they're almost gone!"

 

One morning, I was lying in bed, procrastinating getting up because mornings can be assholes. I flipped through Facebook and there was Barry again. His message pretty much said, "For reals. This is it. They're going to be gone in nanoseconds!"

I started filling out the info, squinting because my glasses were out of reach, and hoping the system held my credit card info from the last purchase.  Nope. Maybe they take PayPal? Nope.  I didn't want to get up. Nope. Not for anything.

Dammit. I could wait and finish the order when/if I got up. It's not like they'd sell out, right?

But what if they did and I missed out due to pure laziness? That would be sucktacular every time someone splashed a picture of the M80 mid-smoke.

I trounced, no shambled, no, stumbled down the stairs for my wallet and card, entered the requisite info, and hit Submit Order, all the while holding my breath.

Shortly afterwards, Barry posted Two Guys had sold out. I happily wrote "I got mine!" while feeling a little giddy, as if I'd just been accepted into the cool kids club. He told me I got the next-to-last box.

I headed back to bed, but that ship had pretty much sailed. You can't and shouldn't interrupt laziness with productivity. That's just stupid and I know better, but I did it, all for the love of the leaf. (See what I did there? Said the name of the blog in the blog?)

I kind of forgot about them as I scurried around in preparation*** of Valentino's return from a week-long golf trip.

 

 

Then, the day of his return, a package arrived. 

"What did you buy?" he asked.

I crinkled my forehead  with perplexitude. "I have no idea."

He opened it and...

 

We decided to save them for a 4th of July party at newly-minted Caballero #3's house, which seemed apropos.

And so this happened.

 

L-R My boy, our hero, Caballero #3, and Caballero #2

"This is fucking good," Valentino said on the third puff of this 4 x 50 with an Ecuador Habano Oscuro wrapper and Nicaraguan binder and filler. He waited that long to tell me because I was noticeably absent during the first two.****

 

Some guy at the party said, "I'm going to have to have to get some of those."

 

None for you!
(Unless you already have them, of course.)

 

"No," our hero said, a wee bit smugly. "You can only get those at one place and they're sold out. Penny got one of the last boxes."

I'll admit a bit of smugness as well. Yay me! Yay American Express!

Of course this means he's going to ration these to the point where he won't actually smoke them. And now I'm mad I didn't get the last two boxes. When am I ever going to learn?

As I'm sitting here writing this, I remembered that I currently have a box of LFD Firecrackers, also only available at Two Guys, in that shop's online shopping basket. Letting those go because of cupcakes and words would be a shame, so I hit SAVE on this very blog post, and ordered them. What are the chances I'm going to remember that I ordered them? Not very good, if you must know.*****

But when they do arrive, you'll be the first to know. Well, not first. But as far as you know, you'll be the first.

Will misunderstood our M80 discussion.

 

 

*In which case, HELLO! how are you? You look very pretty today.

**Paraphrase

***Cleaning, but not that "everything is messy and he's going to flip if I don't do it," but instead, "Crap, I have seven pieces of paper randomly strewn on the counter and the vacuum lines have disappeared from the carpet" clean. But still, it was making me crazy.

****there were CUPCAKES that needed to be eaten and I take that job seriously.

*****However, I CAN remember that John Lennon died in 1980, even though I never really paid much attention to him or his music at that point. Also, Sammy Davis Jr. and Jim Henson died on the same day. (There are people sitting near me talking about celebrities and when they died. These two fun facts popped into my head during their convo.  Because I am socially awkward, I kept these thoughts to myself and my nose in my iPad.)

 

T minus 6 days until my next iROBUSTO column or: Caution--many newly-created words ahead!

The first part of that title is me looking at my day-late show-offiness optimistically.

Remember how I highlighted Cigarnival cool activities?* That got me thinking about giant herfs** and the benefits of attending one (or more).

With every Facebook post proclaiming "Everything is Awesome,"*** I had more of the sad for missing this year's Cigarnival.

The other day, we took Caballero #2's HerfMobile to New Hampshire (from Massachusetts, so an hour and a half or so jaunt) and as he drove, smoking some of the event's loot, I wondered what I actually missed, so I started making a list in my head. (I like to make lists a lot. Sometimes I even look at them again.) Also in attendance for the ride: Our pal Mike, who heretofore shall be known as Caballero #3. When we see him this weekend, he shall be properly ordained, so let's keep it between us until after the 4th, okay?

L to R: Newly-anointed Caballero #3,
Carlito Fuente, and Caballero #2

And because fair is fair, here's one of
our hero with Carlito

Full disclosure: I didn't attend the Famous Smoke megaherf because Valentino played in a golf tournament that weekend. I knew I'd never keep up with Caballero #2; he is a world-class socializer and master cigar passer-outterer and CRA**** signer-upperer, so he'd be busy doing those things. I require a more, um, hands-on handler, because given the choice between sitting in a corner reading and gladhanding...well, let's just say I always have a book with me. No need to tell me; I already know: I am a world-class nerd.

So this week's column for iROBUSTO is 5 Things about why you should attend a big-ass herf. (Or something along that line.) You should check it out! In the meantime, I have to go think of something incredibly clever for next week... Damn, the Thursdays come around quickly, don't they? Until then, I leave you with this:

*One of my favorite words, thanks mostly to this:

[source]

**Not the ones that roam the land, seeking the souls of people who say they're allergic to foods but aren't, just to hop on the bandwagon. What? That's not an alternate definition of herf?? I could have sworn that was a thing. Can we make it one? Even if it's as elusive as a unicorn, just knowing it's out there somewhere thrills me.

***


****Cigar Rights of America. If you aren't a member, you should become one, stat. (I just double-checked my member status before I wrote that. Didn't want to be a hypocrite. All paid up!)

Oh Thursday, you shall henceforth be known as iROBUSTOday

Photo by Brian Kennedy

Ahhh. The peace of the golf course, regardless of the weather:
Sunny (above) and unsunny (below).

Photo by Valentino

 

 

You can't see Valentino's thought bubble,* but I guarantee he's thinking,
Oh, I'm playing golf with my cousin Jerry while the rest of you are working.
Bwah hahahah!

 

If you can't make it to a course (or have no desire to play golf)

you can still read funny things about it here:

 

 

*Because I don't know how to work the Photoshop.

Fore! Eight, actually, in a lovely box. Plus two more to smoke!

So there we were, sitting at the cigar lounge when someone mentioned that Davidoff Cigars had put out a special edition in honor of the Masters.*

 

"The new Davidoff Golf Limited Masters Edition has been created by Davidoff Masterblenders with moments of shared golf pleasures in mind." [source] It's also like they had my very own golfer in mind.

Put "Limited Edition" on anything and Valentino will want it--and of course I'll buy it for him--or at least I'll want it very badly until I get distracted by something else. Like air. He, however, will not forget.  

 

Oh Davidoff, you wily buggers.
You had me at Limited Edition.

Want to know what's in the white piano lacquer box?

 

Two different formats, which have been crafted with eight-year-old typical Dominican filler tobaccos: Piloto Volado, San Vicente Visus, Piloto Visus Hybrid and Corojo/Olor Seco. [source]

Wrapper:         Ecuador Connecticut
Binder:            Dominican Criollo
Filler:               Piloto Volado, San Vicente Visus, Piloto Visus
Hybrid:            Corojo/Olor Seco
Aroma:            Rich
Format:           Toro (54 x 6)
Format:           Robusto (52 x 5)

According to the Davidoff website, "The beautifully crafted cigar box, finished in a white piano lacquer, opens like a book. It boasts 4 toros and 4 robustos.

"Moreover, in order to highlight this very special Davidoff Golf Limited Masters Edition, all toros and three out of the four robustos feature an exclusive 'Golf' second ring.

"The second ring in gold on the last robusto serves to reward and honor the winner."

Because I've met my guy,*** I knew no one would ever actually smoke the ones in the box (under the threat of death). So I purchased two of the Course sticks, one for him and one for Caballero #2. The minute Valentino lit up that toro, he scowled at me for giving the other one away.

 

I shrugged.** And then I went online and bought more.

 

Speaking of golf, we were at a cigar dinner sponsored by a local Masonic chapter and of course there was a raffle and of course we won...

 

Most awesome (blurry) photo by moi.

This is the Masters winner, Jordan Spieth

In a perfect world,

he will sign both this and the Davidoff box.

We should invite him for dinner!

He doesn't even need to bring a Sharpie!

 

 

Anyway, these Davidoff babies aren't as rare (yet) as I expected, with 7,500 boxes created, so a quick internet search could set you up right quick, but you shouldn't tarry, lest you lose out. Then you will have the sad.

 

Don't have the sad.

 

 

 

*That's golf, in case you didn't know.

 

**Really, what more could I do?

***Hahaha

Today, I give thanks for a great man and mourn his loss

"Is that a Rum Soaked Crook?" asked Valentino's dad each and every time he saw his son with a cigar.

Yes, it is really a thing. I had my doubts.

We laughed each and every time. It was kind of our thing.

I can't remember the last time he said it. Maybe when he came to visit as a surprise for Valentino the Younger's birthday party?

He had no idea his dad had travelled all the way
from Pittsburgh for the surprise party!
I win the Best Girlfriend prize 2014.

I'm sure he also said it one or a hundred times when we cruised to Bermuda. Many cigars were smoked. Much time was spent with Valentino the Elder, so...yeah. After all, it was our thing.

On this cruise, he and I ditched his son and my family
and snuck off and had drinks and ice cream shakes.
I will miss my partner-in-crime.

And certainly when we visited in June for the annual jaunt when the Valentinos play golf and I hopped over to West Virginia to hang with my boy.*

I was going to make a sparkle (*) about how Valentino the Elder, since his back troubles and subsequent surgery, now mans the golf cart, taking pictures and hauling water to the troops while the younger men play whack the ball and smoke cigars. Er, play golf. But this idea seems too important for a mere sparkle; it deserves a paragraph all to itself.  Since no girls are allowed at Man Camp, from whence the event stems, naturally I've never seen this golf cart activity. But for years, whenever someone talks about his position as Executive in Charge of Hydration and Photography, this is what I picture:

You can never take this image away, no matter how many stories of reality you tell me. It will always be this.

In addition to these festivities, there's also some good old Italian family time, complete with lots of noise and yelling and jocularity,** continuously cranked up to 11. That's very different from Casa Piva--we maintain about a level 4 with occasional bursts to 8.

They're good people. No, they're great people.

Is that a Rum Soaked Crook he's smoking?

The patriarch, Valentino the Elder, he was a kind, caring, funny, thoughtful man, all wonderful traits he passed on to his children and granddaughters.

My mom wrote, "He was 'bigger than life' and filled the room with his presence. My world is a better place for having known him, I will never think of him without smiling." Yes. Exactly that.

Now, one of the greatest men I have ever known is driving the golf cart in the sky, where the folks are cheering for him like it's the 16th Hole at the Waste Management Tournament. Yeah, he's smoking a cigar. And yes, it's a Rum Soaked Crook. You know, because it's our thing.

Godspeed, Tino. XOXO

*Keep in mind, my boy is 6' 4" is and wears a size 14 shoe. But he'll always be my boy. Of course, I can't remember his age. 26? 27? In that range. Mother of the Year right here.

**I'm trying to use this word once a day. It's a very fun word to say and reminds me of Father Mulcahey.