An explosion of awesome!

"I should buy those," I said, although I pretty much say that daily about a variety of cigars.

[source]

Sometimes I actually buy them. Sometimes I don't--for a variety of reasons, including I forgot about it or was distracted by something else. (Dust motes? Possibly. Ginger ale bubbles? Maybe. Another episode of Archer? Always.)

The world stops when this is on,
regardless of the time or prior commitments.

Thankfully, sometimes Facebook is an awesome secretary. Pal Barry Stein (Hi Barry!) of Two Guys SmokeShop in New Hampshire told us (okay, told the Facebook world) about the TatuajeM80.  Unless you're new to the blog,* you know Valentino and I love love love almost anything limited edition or hard-to-find. Plus...Tatuaje, so....

Barry's a wily bugger.  First, he said, "Hey, we have these. They're made for us and only us!"** and later, "Only xx boxes left!" And then "Really, they're almost gone!"

 

One morning, I was lying in bed, procrastinating getting up because mornings can be assholes. I flipped through Facebook and there was Barry again. His message pretty much said, "For reals. This is it. They're going to be gone in nanoseconds!"

I started filling out the info, squinting because my glasses were out of reach, and hoping the system held my credit card info from the last purchase.  Nope. Maybe they take PayPal? Nope.  I didn't want to get up. Nope. Not for anything.

Dammit. I could wait and finish the order when/if I got up. It's not like they'd sell out, right?

But what if they did and I missed out due to pure laziness? That would be sucktacular every time someone splashed a picture of the M80 mid-smoke.

I trounced, no shambled, no, stumbled down the stairs for my wallet and card, entered the requisite info, and hit Submit Order, all the while holding my breath.

Shortly afterwards, Barry posted Two Guys had sold out. I happily wrote "I got mine!" while feeling a little giddy, as if I'd just been accepted into the cool kids club. He told me I got the next-to-last box.

I headed back to bed, but that ship had pretty much sailed. You can't and shouldn't interrupt laziness with productivity. That's just stupid and I know better, but I did it, all for the love of the leaf. (See what I did there? Said the name of the blog in the blog?)

I kind of forgot about them as I scurried around in preparation*** of Valentino's return from a week-long golf trip.

 

 

Then, the day of his return, a package arrived. 

"What did you buy?" he asked.

I crinkled my forehead  with perplexitude. "I have no idea."

He opened it and...

 

We decided to save them for a 4th of July party at newly-minted Caballero #3's house, which seemed apropos.

And so this happened.

 

L-R My boy, our hero, Caballero #3, and Caballero #2

"This is fucking good," Valentino said on the third puff of this 4 x 50 with an Ecuador Habano Oscuro wrapper and Nicaraguan binder and filler. He waited that long to tell me because I was noticeably absent during the first two.****

 

Some guy at the party said, "I'm going to have to have to get some of those."

 

None for you!
(Unless you already have them, of course.)

 

"No," our hero said, a wee bit smugly. "You can only get those at one place and they're sold out. Penny got one of the last boxes."

I'll admit a bit of smugness as well. Yay me! Yay American Express!

Of course this means he's going to ration these to the point where he won't actually smoke them. And now I'm mad I didn't get the last two boxes. When am I ever going to learn?

As I'm sitting here writing this, I remembered that I currently have a box of LFD Firecrackers, also only available at Two Guys, in that shop's online shopping basket. Letting those go because of cupcakes and words would be a shame, so I hit SAVE on this very blog post, and ordered them. What are the chances I'm going to remember that I ordered them? Not very good, if you must know.*****

But when they do arrive, you'll be the first to know. Well, not first. But as far as you know, you'll be the first.

Will misunderstood our M80 discussion.

 

 

*In which case, HELLO! how are you? You look very pretty today.

**Paraphrase

***Cleaning, but not that "everything is messy and he's going to flip if I don't do it," but instead, "Crap, I have seven pieces of paper randomly strewn on the counter and the vacuum lines have disappeared from the carpet" clean. But still, it was making me crazy.

****there were CUPCAKES that needed to be eaten and I take that job seriously.

*****However, I CAN remember that John Lennon died in 1980, even though I never really paid much attention to him or his music at that point. Also, Sammy Davis Jr. and Jim Henson died on the same day. (There are people sitting near me talking about celebrities and when they died. These two fun facts popped into my head during their convo.  Because I am socially awkward, I kept these thoughts to myself and my nose in my iPad.)

 

T minus 6 days until my next iROBUSTO column or: Caution--many newly-created words ahead!

The first part of that title is me looking at my day-late show-offiness optimistically.

Remember how I highlighted Cigarnival cool activities?* That got me thinking about giant herfs** and the benefits of attending one (or more).

With every Facebook post proclaiming "Everything is Awesome,"*** I had more of the sad for missing this year's Cigarnival.

The other day, we took Caballero #2's HerfMobile to New Hampshire (from Massachusetts, so an hour and a half or so jaunt) and as he drove, smoking some of the event's loot, I wondered what I actually missed, so I started making a list in my head. (I like to make lists a lot. Sometimes I even look at them again.) Also in attendance for the ride: Our pal Mike, who heretofore shall be known as Caballero #3. When we see him this weekend, he shall be properly ordained, so let's keep it between us until after the 4th, okay?

L to R: Newly-anointed Caballero #3,
Carlito Fuente, and Caballero #2

And because fair is fair, here's one of
our hero with Carlito

Full disclosure: I didn't attend the Famous Smoke megaherf because Valentino played in a golf tournament that weekend. I knew I'd never keep up with Caballero #2; he is a world-class socializer and master cigar passer-outterer and CRA**** signer-upperer, so he'd be busy doing those things. I require a more, um, hands-on handler, because given the choice between sitting in a corner reading and gladhanding...well, let's just say I always have a book with me. No need to tell me; I already know: I am a world-class nerd.

So this week's column for iROBUSTO is 5 Things about why you should attend a big-ass herf. (Or something along that line.) You should check it out! In the meantime, I have to go think of something incredibly clever for next week... Damn, the Thursdays come around quickly, don't they? Until then, I leave you with this:

*One of my favorite words, thanks mostly to this:

[source]

**Not the ones that roam the land, seeking the souls of people who say they're allergic to foods but aren't, just to hop on the bandwagon. What? That's not an alternate definition of herf?? I could have sworn that was a thing. Can we make it one? Even if it's as elusive as a unicorn, just knowing it's out there somewhere thrills me.

***


****Cigar Rights of America. If you aren't a member, you should become one, stat. (I just double-checked my member status before I wrote that. Didn't want to be a hypocrite. All paid up!)

You don't need a special humidor to travel via the mighty internets to read this story! <--Officially, my worst title yet. I'm leaving it because it's noteworthy. ANYWAY! iROBUSTO WORDS!

My, how the weeks fly by!

Up again: A column from iRobusto--this time about travelling with cigars. (Admit it: The cigars are sometimes better companions than the person/people you're travelling with. Unless you're travelling with the Two Caballeros--because that's one hell of an adventure!*)

Enjoy!




*Blah blah blah, ending sentence with a preposition.

Where we won't be--but you should definitely go! (And where we'll be!)

Falling in love isn’t hard, especially if you go to Habanos Cigar Lounge, Pawtucket, RI on Thursday, April 30 from 7:00-10:00. From the moment you walk in and set eyes on the event’s superstars, you’ll surely fall for DRAM Cigars. And, like in the real world, there’s a perfect match for everyone (mostly).

A dram typically refers to a pour of alcohol; the four DRAM Cigar blends fully complement a variety of whiskeys, based on the strengths and flavor profiles of both smoke and beverage. At this event, the lovely Habanos bartenders will pour complimentary whiskeys for tasting, and DRAM’s very cool Andrew Estop will help you find your true-love smoke, to create the perfect palate partnership.

 

Nathalie, one of your lovely Habanos bartenders!
You can fall in love with her too, whicle you're there.
Everyone else does!

 

The cigar offerings, available in a number of sizes:

Dram Cask No. 1 Connecticut Shade wrapper.  Mild to medium strength. Creamy profile.  Perfect complement to whiskeys with a citrus and woody profile.

Dram Cask No. 2 Corojo wrapper.  Medium strength cigar with a complex profile.  Pairs with whiskeys showcasing a spicy and woody profile.

Dram Cask No. 3 Habano wrapper.  Medium plus strength and a spicy profile.  Whiskeys with a spicy and woody profile partner best with this cigar.

Dram Cask No. 4 Connecticut Broadleaf wrapper.  Medium to full strength and a spicy profile.  Best accompanied by whiskeys with a smoky and woody profile.

 



 

What's that? You want to know why we won't be there? Oh, we'll be at this little old thing called...

 

BOOM!

 ...with Caballero #2 and Pal of Cabellero #2 (POC)--Hi Mike!

The man, the myth, the legend...
Caballero #2, smoking a Joel Sherman.

 

Naturally, we'll keep you updated with all the CigarFest shenanigans. Of course, this may or may not occur in the same calendar year. But, you know, that's how I roll!

Words you should know: Papeleta Or: My parents went to Jamaica and all I got was...this awesome box of cigars!. (Thank you!)

The worst part of opening a new box of cigars: Cutting the Papeleta.*

Just like your virginity, once violated, there's no going back.

We received a box of pre-1988 Royal Jamaica cigars the other day and we snapped off the yellow cello,** which was heartbreaking enough. We both stared at the papeleta, that sticker or seal that yells, "No one has opened this box. Ever. And now you're going to do it? Even though its been sealed up for over 27 years? What kind of monster are you?"

Not our box, but a box just like this.

We put the box down and circled our prey, checking it out from afar and progressively closer. Valentino approached cautiously, sharpened Henckles knife in hand. I stood behind him, peeking around. He makes an excellent human shield, by the way. I pushed him (lovingly) and we decided doing it quickly would be the least painful.

He ran the knife across the papeleta and pried the top up. He's very brave, my man.

The angels began their songs as the cover lifted, revealing:

 

You've probably seen the Royal Jamaica cigars around, but with a completely different look. Something more along the lines of this:

[source]

Our new (to us) box differs because while the name remains the same, the cigar itself isn't, all because Mother Nature had herself a good old hurricane in 1988.

In a Cigar Aficionado story, we learn about Robert L. Gore, a third-generation tobacco grower, who "knows hurricanes all too well. In September 1988, Hurricane Gilbert slammed into Jamaica at full strength, maiming the nation's cigar industry. The storm destroyed Gore's factory in Kingston, which had stood since his grandfather James Frederick Gore founded Royal Jamaica in 1935, and ruined 1,000 acres of tobacco in May Pen.

"It was the worst natural disaster to befall Jamaica since the 1907 earthquake that turned Kingston into rubble. Because of Gilbert, the Jamaican tobacco industry was set back several years, production of Royal Jamaica cigars was shifted to the Dominican Republic, and Jamaican tobacco was no longer used in the island's biggest brand, Macanudo."

A box of these babies, the pre-hurricane cigars, actually-made-in-Jamaica Royal Jamaica cigars, is one of the industry's great white whales. Thanks to my parents, who stopped in Jamaica on a cruise, brought us back a box. Of course, we sent them with a map to a store where we'd previously purchased them, on a similar cruise, *** along with photos of what they were looking for (and what they weren't looking for). My dad said they handed our instructions to the shopkeeper and said, "We need these."

Score!

According to the same CA article, "Royal Jamaicas have a distinctive smooth, woody taste, owed in large part to the mild Jamaican tobacco that makes up much of their filler. (Gore tends to leave the strongest leaves, the smallest ones, unpicked, and never removes the flowers from the top of the plant. This, he feels, smooths out the tobacco's flavor.) Another flavor factor is a bubbling cauldron inside the factory. It's filled with bethune, a mixture that includes rum, wine, vinegar and native herbs that workers spray on Jamaican tobacco after it cures. Gore says the bethune stops mold from forming on the tobacco during Jamaica's wet season and enhances the flavor of the cigars. As legend has it, the potion was created by Henry Winkle, who worked for Gore's grandfather."

We suggest, if you have the chance to get the originals,**** you grab them and go (after paying, of course). We also suggest, because you don't know how they've been cared for, lo these many years, you tuck them safely into the humidor for a bit--the cigar equivalent of buying them a drink and making some nice conversation, until they're ready.

Maybe it's just us, but we think, similar to that whole virginity thing, if you cut the papeleta just right, and at the right time, you will be very happy.*****


*The best part, of course, is getting to the inner goodness.

**This makes me laugh every time I say it. Go ahead! Try it! Yellow Cello!

***

If you turn around, you'd see a two-story window and balcony.
Yep. This was our room on that cruise.

****From what we understand, the new ones are pretty good too. We haven't yet partaken of those, which are made by Altidas.

*****And with the right, er, box of cigars, of course.

Words you should know: Herf or: A grammar lesson

You've seen the word on blogs and event posters, and even on the travel humidor your buddy brings to hang at the lounge.

[source]

It sounds like it should be a muppet.
Or a squishy ball. (Shush, you.)
Or something you do after too much drinking.

But it isn't. (Although I wouldn't mind seeing a muppet named Herf, if you must know.)

Aforementioned grammar lesson:

As a collective noun:

A gaggle of geese. [source]

A train of camels. [source]

A murder of crows. [source]

A herf of cigar smokers.
(This is us with some of Valentino's childhood friends
and Island Jim himself at Island Jim's place in Pittsburgh PA.)

So a herf is a gathering of cigar smokers coming together to share airspace.

Unless you want to use it as a verb:

Are you up for herfing this weekend? I just got the new 50th Anniversary Padron. Feel like second-hand smoking it?

Seems a shame to smoke it! But that will happen. Soon.

As an adjective:

I've been at the cigar lounge every night this week. I'm a herfing fool!

As a made-up word:

We're getting psyched for a herfariffic experience at Cigarfest in May.

In multiple ways altogether:

If you're going, let us know and we can herf during the herf, which seems a little meta.

Camp Kristoff, Part the First

Not too long ago,* Glen Case (Hi Glen!), the head-honcho of Kristoff Cigars, visited Habanos, one of our favorite hang-outs, a place in our own back yard...

You remember Glen, right? We first met him at Havana Cigar Lounge in West Warwick, RI.

Havana owner Todd LaScola, our hero, and Glen Case.

Well, one night we were shenaniganning** over at Broadway Cigars at a Montecristo event and then later rolled closer to home, into Habanos. And there was Glen Case! It was like we walked into our own back yard and happily found a cool kid from a neighboring neighborhood! Yay!

Unlike the first time we hung around with him, which was an actual Kristoff event, whereby he was required to be an adult in full-adult mode; this time he had the relaxation cranked up to 11.

After we settled in, giving out lots of "hello" kisses, Valentino lit one of these delights, which we'd previously purchased at that Havana event:

The 685 Woodlawn, on the right.
That's the star of this show.

Glen stopped mid-sentence and said, "Where did you get that cigar?"

Valentino took the cigar from his mouth and looked at it, just to remind himself which delicious stick consumed his senses. "At the event in West Warwick," he said, making his way to the bar with Glen and Jarrid Trudeau (Hi Jarrid!), a cool dude in his own right and Kristoff's Northeast rep, to sit with me.

"That's my favorite stick," Glen said. "I don't even have any of those in my humidor at home."

Now if you must know, I have some mad internet skillz.*** So when Glen reiterated the lack of 685s, I hauled out my laptop and began a search.

Pretend I'm currently searching and during the lull, we'll cut away to a montage of information about this cigar:

• The cigar's name comes from the house he grew up in. 685 Woodlawn in the suburbs of Chicago. See? That makes me love it already because you must know by now how much I love a good story. By the way, it's not the family homestead any more, but an ode to your first home? Awesomely cool. (As a side note, Mom and Dad? Don't plan on moving out of that house, especially to move to Florida, as all your peers have. Stay put.)
• A small batch released in April-ish 2013, only 2,000 boxes of 10 were made.
• The wrapper is from Brazil, binder from Nicaragua, and filler from Nicaragua, Dominican Republic, and a super secret place--maybe Oz? Santa's workshop? Brigadoon****? 
• Comes in one size, the 6 1/2 x 60 perfecto--one of our favorite shapes!
• I love love love this cigar. (I seem to have a real fondness for small batches, as if the more I know I can't get it, the more I want it. But that's pretty much the way of life, right?)

Glen and Valentino***** whooping it up.
Actually, they were discussion serious life things
while I challenged the mighty internets to a duel.
I won.

So within moments, I found a few boxes of the 685 available for purchase and gave Glen and Jarrid the info. I guess if I were a really good person, I would have bought him a box, and a box for ourselves...but...no.  Of course I regret this now. Or I did! <--Blatant forshadowing.

That night Valentino smoked his one and only 685, filling my lungs with some serious sweetness with a background of pepper. Kind of like smelling and tasting the fruit pie Nana is making in the house while simultaneously inhaling the heavily-peppered steaks' smoke wafting from the neighbors' grill. If you could get both flavors in your face at the same time--the pepperiness, the fruitiness, and the creamy, buttery crust, you'd be experiencing the 685 Woodlawn.

The night over, we were left with some super fun memories of time with our Kristoff friends and the Kristoff cigars. Now the story should end there, but no, because there's another chapter to the story.

On our way to visit my son in West Virginia for the holidays, we accidentally drove by the most massive of cigar stores, Cigars International in Hamburg, PA. Come on, we were driving right by the exit. And we needed gas anyway...

Just a teeny tiny bit of the gigantean place!
Lousy picture by moi!

One of the first things we saw as we entered the store? (That foreshadowing comes into play now.) We saw this:

Oh my sweet darling...

We scooped these up and asked about more.  The very nice staff lady searched high and low, climbing ladders to look in way high cubbies and giving herself a headrush looking in the store's deep, dark crevices.  And know what? She found another box! That was some amazeballs customer service!  We took them and ran!

This isn't true. I held them close to myself, like a treasured Latin textbook****** and we slowly perused the entire store, twice.

We're heading home from our travels tomorrow and I hope on Tuesday we can do some more research with these, see if they will once again help me relive the long, slow, sunny days of a childhood summer--even if I am a grownup now (boo) and we've just entered a long winter (double boo). I may ask Valentino to bring two.





*Keeping in mind I have real issues with time passing quickly and not recognizing it.

**A real word in Penny World.

***Not nearly as good as my friend Shelagh, who could teach a master class, but still better than the average schmoe.

****One of my all-time favorite plays.

*****This picture is actually from later in the evening, when our hero had moved on to a different Kristoff cigar.

******I'm probably the only one who ever actually treasured a textbook, right? Especially a Latin one? Thought so. Just to let you know, I still have my high school Latin books.

Owl'll be seeing you...

Sometimes liquor is an awesome thing.

Oh, who are we kidding. It's always an awesome thing!*

Oh, Hemingway, you genius! [source]

How about come up with amazing wittiness when drunk(ish) and then refine and put that geniusness into practice while sober?  Cause, dudes?  That happened.

Please meet Will the Travelling Owl:

Will is the new, official mascot of Habanos, which we may need to list as a secondary residence now that the weather has turned on us**.  He's also the new spokesmodel for this blog, because, well, that's what he wanted.  Will is like that charming, always a little drunk friend you'd do anything for, mainly because he conned you into it and you didn't realize the con until it was too late.

One of my all-time favorite movies. I thought Valentino had seen it.
I ruined the ending for him when I referenced a key scene.
I am a wicked jerk. But in my defense, I didn't know! *** [source]

Will has his own Facebook page here, and has quite the following. He's hoping for a cult-like following, but for now, he knows he has to be moderately humble, to win you all over, so he asks that you please follow him and his adventures, which will include cigars, booze, and, as he likes to say, "the ladies."****

Come on, Will! It's only 9:00!!

He tells us he's planning to have a giveaway for all his followers soon, although Valentino is a little worried because Will manages to break into the humidor and make off with his cigars, which has caused Valentino to put the expensive stuff up high, where "the little guy can't reach them," he says.*****

We'd like to thank our friend Brian (Hi Brian) for enticing Will to relocate from Washington DC to Rhode Island.

Will has a ton of events already scheduled for his dance card, which annoys us because he's way more beloved than us--and he's only been in town for a couple of weeks! But if you're in the area, stop by and say "Hello!" to him.  We'll also let you know what events he's planning to attend--and which he's RSVPed "Yes" to but really has no intention of attending. He's a coy one, that Will.

But we love him anyway. Guaranteed that you will love him too!

What's not to love?
World traveler, cigar aficionado, ladies' man...er...ladies' owl...?

 

*Unless it isn't an awesome thing for you, in which case we love and respect you and your decisions.

**We're taking it personally.

***The Sting, in case you didn't know.  And if you didn't know, you should go watch it right now.  Seriously. Right. Now.

****Sometimes he calls them "dolls," but I think we can all agree that he shouldn't be faulted for that, considering his upbringing.

*****Will would like to point out that if Valentino calls him "The Little Guy" one more time, he's going to need to sleep with one eye open.

Words You Should Know #1: Esteli; Or: Mommy, Where do cigars come from?

You see the word on your La Gloria Cubana or Drew Estate cigar.
 
You hear people drop-kick it into a conversation, for no reason other than they heard someone else say it.*
 
Maybe during the recent soccer hullaballoo, you heard the city name in passing.**
 

See Esteli right there? Below the middle? [source]

Welcome to the third-largest city in Nicaragua. Officially known as Villa de San Antonio de Pavia de Esteli, "The land around Esteli is perfect for growing tobacco for use in cigars, and the town became a refuge for Cuban cigar makers after the Cuban Revolution in 1959. Award-winning cigars have made Esteli one of the most important cigar-producing cities in the world." [source]

Wait, what? That's a good picture but you don't know where to put Nicaragua in context? You mean like the person who asked the other day if it is in Europe?***

Hello, Central America! [source]

According to Cigar Cabana, "The Esteli region has black and fertile soil and produces a heavy, full-flavored tobacco leaf. It is characteristically dark, and rich with full aromas, body, and flavor. Esteli is known for producing the most powerful of all Nicaraguan tobacco." As such, this is where the majority of Nicaraguan cigars are created.

Read more about the rich and varied history of Nicaragua and its cigars! Be amazed at how many times the industry has been kicked in the face by conflict (Looking at you, Sandinista government and Contras.) and nature (You too, Hurricane Mitch).

I'll fully admit that I'm no geographical wiz-kid and have a limited view of the universe because I stay fully ensconced in Penny World, which is wall-papered with rainbows and unicorns and sparkles. I will also admit that sometimes a trip across the border into the real world can be pretty darned interesting.

I'm not saying you have to go to Nicaragua (although we're thinking about a jaunt there next year--shocking, I know!), but just take a look into one of the places where your cigars may be coming from. It's actually pretty interesting.****
 
 
*This actually happened recently. We're still shaking our heads because it didn't even fit into the conversation's context. Luckily, my mom reared me to be polite, so I didn't say...

"What you talkin' 'bout, fool?" [source]

 
**Don't worry: We wouldn't have looked it up either, because...soccer. We don't generally hop on bandwagons.

This bandwagon looks kind of fun, though. [source]

***Europe was all, like, "Whaaaaa?"

****And me saying that something in the outside world is interesting enough to catch and hold my attention means it has got to be good!