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Thanks to my boy for the awesome GIF!
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Friday, June 5, 2015
Words you should know: Maduro
You see the dark wrapper and immediately think "Whoa! That's going to be a full cigar, all filled with strength and spice. I'm not ready for that strong a cigar yet."
We say, "Oh, pshaw." Turn that part of your brain off, please, and open your hearts to the maduro because this wrapper is going to surprise the crap out of you. In a (really) good way. Probably better if you're prepared for all that goodness.
A language lesson: maduro means "mature" or "ripe" in Spanish, not "This is going to be so mother-effing strong I won't be able to handle it." Okay. Class over.
So why are the maduro cigars so so so dark?
You know how when you caramelize onions they get all dark and delicious? Same thing. Same-ish thing. Extra fermentation, baby. Alllll fermentation.
Here's how a maduro is born:
1. Really nice folks pick the someday-wrapper leaves, which are generally thicker than binder and filler leaves--and even non-maduro wrappers. Why thicker? Because thinner leaves will go "Poof!" and disintegrate during the loooooong fermentation process. That would be a waste of time and energy for the grower and the plant.
2a. Leaves snuggle together in a curing barn for up to 45 days--until their color goes from just-grown green to rich, delicious brown. You know, the opposite of what you generally want to happen with your plants at home.
2b. Want darker, sweeter, more caramelly leaves? Age them even longer--years if you like. (Cigar makers have some serious patience.)
3. Voila! Super fermented leaves with a deep, rich, flavorful profile you'd be a fool* to pass up. What kind of flavor? Well, depending on the soil and all those factors that make tobacco unique, you could be smoking the cigar equivalent of dark chocolate, coffee, brown sugar, caramel, molasses, black pepper, dried fruit, black cherry, or other stuff the plants haven't even thought of yet! Almost all maduro wrappers are more complex than other wrappers because they worked very very hard at being delicious.
Let's play Cigar Smoker Word Association.
You say "maduro." Many will respond "dessert."
So beyond fermentation, what's providing the delicious sweetness?
A. Genetic make-up
B. Seed-type
C. Organic micro elements in the soil
D. All of the above.
The answer is D, so you can't possibly try this is home. (Sorry!) And even if you get all those elements correct, tobacco variety tastes differently from one farm to the next and varies from crop to crop, depending on rainfall and (literally) on which way the wind blows.
If you want the most sweetness from a maduro wrapper, seek out the broadleaf, which is genetically programmed to satisfy your sweet tooth.**
We challenge you to give the maduro wrapper a try. Actually, try a couple from different companies, but make sure one of them is a Padron '64 Anniversary series
and another is a Perdomo 20th Anniversary.
Oh crap. I could make myself crazy trying to include all the fabulous ones.
And Valentino really doesn't need me to be any crazier. I'm already at a dangerously high level.***
*
**But don't chew on it, for heaven's sake. That will land you in #cigarloungedouchebag territory.
***
 |
| Something's afoot! It's the Leaf by Oscar! [source] |
We say, "Oh, pshaw." Turn that part of your brain off, please, and open your hearts to the maduro because this wrapper is going to surprise the crap out of you. In a (really) good way. Probably better if you're prepared for all that goodness.
A language lesson: maduro means "mature" or "ripe" in Spanish, not "This is going to be so mother-effing strong I won't be able to handle it." Okay. Class over.
So why are the maduro cigars so so so dark?
 |
| [source] |
You know how when you caramelize onions they get all dark and delicious? Same thing. Same-ish thing. Extra fermentation, baby. Alllll fermentation.
Here's how a maduro is born:
1. Really nice folks pick the someday-wrapper leaves, which are generally thicker than binder and filler leaves--and even non-maduro wrappers. Why thicker? Because thinner leaves will go "Poof!" and disintegrate during the loooooong fermentation process. That would be a waste of time and energy for the grower and the plant.
2a. Leaves snuggle together in a curing barn for up to 45 days--until their color goes from just-grown green to rich, delicious brown. You know, the opposite of what you generally want to happen with your plants at home.
2b. Want darker, sweeter, more caramelly leaves? Age them even longer--years if you like. (Cigar makers have some serious patience.)
3. Voila! Super fermented leaves with a deep, rich, flavorful profile you'd be a fool* to pass up. What kind of flavor? Well, depending on the soil and all those factors that make tobacco unique, you could be smoking the cigar equivalent of dark chocolate, coffee, brown sugar, caramel, molasses, black pepper, dried fruit, black cherry, or other stuff the plants haven't even thought of yet! Almost all maduro wrappers are more complex than other wrappers because they worked very very hard at being delicious.
 |
| Mmmmm. (These are Fuentes, by the way.) [source] |
Let's play Cigar Smoker Word Association.
You say "maduro." Many will respond "dessert."
So beyond fermentation, what's providing the delicious sweetness?
A. Genetic make-up
B. Seed-type
C. Organic micro elements in the soil
D. All of the above.
The answer is D, so you can't possibly try this is home. (Sorry!) And even if you get all those elements correct, tobacco variety tastes differently from one farm to the next and varies from crop to crop, depending on rainfall and (literally) on which way the wind blows.
 |
| The mighty broadleaf. [source] |
If you want the most sweetness from a maduro wrapper, seek out the broadleaf, which is genetically programmed to satisfy your sweet tooth.**
We challenge you to give the maduro wrapper a try. Actually, try a couple from different companies, but make sure one of them is a Padron '64 Anniversary series
and another is a Perdomo 20th Anniversary.
 |
And Valentino really doesn't need me to be any crazier. I'm already at a dangerously high level.***
*
 |
| I pity the fool that turns his nose up at maduro wrappers. |
**But don't chew on it, for heaven's sake. That will land you in #cigarloungedouchebag territory.
***
Cigar Lounge Manners: Don't lie
We allllll do it. And if you say you don't, then you're doing it.
There's the white version, to spare another's feelings:
When you're hanging in the cigar lounge, maybe you embellish a bit. Who can blame you? As I like to say, "We're all heroes of our own story." If that requires sparkles added to the story... ::shrug:: So it goes.*
But when lying becomes a big part of your cigar lounge persona, there's a problem.
“All this happened, more or less.”**
Unfortunately, usually less.
Don't forget that the folks in the lounge continue to chat even when you aren't there. (No, the place doesn't go dark when you head out.) They're going to compare stories. They're going to quickly note discrepancies.
“When everything was beautiful and nothing hurt...”***
Maybe the tellers of tall tales seek to recreate these beautiful moments as they concoct stories. But it's almost demeaning, what they expect us to believe. Sometimes we, frustrated, threaten to call these gentlemen out, show the documented research proving them wrong.
But that's not the cigar lounge way.
These lies generally stem from real life unhappiness. Smoking a cigar should be a mini-vacation from...everything, so spending this time worrying and trying to keep lies straight negates the benefits of cigar time.
Sadly, these folks are doing the cigar culture wrong. But who are we to judge?
So we let them show us pictures and tell us personal stories about stock photos and non-existent vacations. We're polite like that.
Once someone started to tell a story about a sailboat she "owns." Having sailed and owned boats for many a year, I figured this THIS will be our connection! We'll chat away and become BFFs. But panic struck her face when I started talking boat. She then turned to the person to her right and chattered away, as if we'd never spoken. In my experience, anyone with a boat wants to talk about their boat. So....yeah. Liar, liar pants on fire, unfortunately.
We'd probably like these folks just fine--maybe even more so--if we could just know the real people holding the cigars. After all, I'm the most boring person in the entire universe and people like me just fine. (At least that's the impression I get while at the lounge. Who knows what happens when I leave.****)
Like who you are and I'm pretty sure we'll love you! The cigar community is the nicest group of people on earth. Impress us with your real awesomeness, not some stuff you think will impress us. We're a simple people...***** But not a dumb bunch; trust us. In fact, most of us are wicked smaht.****** We promise to like you for you.
*A billion bonus life points for getting the reference without a Google search. There's a book and film, by the way.
**Same reference. First line.
***Ditto, but not first line, obvs.
****I just pretend nothing bad is said, although what could they say? Gosh, she types a lot.
*****In a good way.
******Paraphrasing another favorite movie. More life bonus points for getting this reference.
There's the white version, to spare another's feelings:
- That dress looks great on you.
- I had a fantastic time.
- I'd love to buy you ice cream, but the line is too long.
But when lying becomes a big part of your cigar lounge persona, there's a problem.
“All this happened, more or less.”**
Unfortunately, usually less.
Don't forget that the folks in the lounge continue to chat even when you aren't there. (No, the place doesn't go dark when you head out.) They're going to compare stories. They're going to quickly note discrepancies.
“When everything was beautiful and nothing hurt...”***
Maybe the tellers of tall tales seek to recreate these beautiful moments as they concoct stories. But it's almost demeaning, what they expect us to believe. Sometimes we, frustrated, threaten to call these gentlemen out, show the documented research proving them wrong.
But that's not the cigar lounge way.
These lies generally stem from real life unhappiness. Smoking a cigar should be a mini-vacation from...everything, so spending this time worrying and trying to keep lies straight negates the benefits of cigar time.
Sadly, these folks are doing the cigar culture wrong. But who are we to judge?
So we let them show us pictures and tell us personal stories about stock photos and non-existent vacations. We're polite like that.
Once someone started to tell a story about a sailboat she "owns." Having sailed and owned boats for many a year, I figured this THIS will be our connection! We'll chat away and become BFFs. But panic struck her face when I started talking boat. She then turned to the person to her right and chattered away, as if we'd never spoken. In my experience, anyone with a boat wants to talk about their boat. So....yeah. Liar, liar pants on fire, unfortunately.
We'd probably like these folks just fine--maybe even more so--if we could just know the real people holding the cigars. After all, I'm the most boring person in the entire universe and people like me just fine. (At least that's the impression I get while at the lounge. Who knows what happens when I leave.****)
Like who you are and I'm pretty sure we'll love you! The cigar community is the nicest group of people on earth. Impress us with your real awesomeness, not some stuff you think will impress us. We're a simple people...***** But not a dumb bunch; trust us. In fact, most of us are wicked smaht.****** We promise to like you for you.
 |
| The quotation maker. |
*A billion bonus life points for getting the reference without a Google search. There's a book and film, by the way.
**Same reference. First line.
***Ditto, but not first line, obvs.
****I just pretend nothing bad is said, although what could they say? Gosh, she types a lot.
*****In a good way.
******Paraphrasing another favorite movie. More life bonus points for getting this reference.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Cigar Lounge Manners: The awkward conversation (ugh)
Oh, it happens to the best of us. (Although the worst of us don't seem to have as much trouble...)
Anyway, some of us (cough, me, cough) tend to personify awkward conversation, while folks like Valentino are masters of conversation. As a matter of fact, our friend Jim (Hi Jim!) and I watched the master in action and Jim said, "How does he manage to get people to tell him the most private things?" True story. He'd just met the woman and she was telling him things I don't even think I've told him.* That man can make any conversation sparkle.
Lucky bugger. I've yet to see him in the midst of an awkward conversation. I, however, live in Awkwardville. But awkwardness does happen, even in the cigar lounge family. Unlike during a chat with your creepy Uncle Bing (who turns every conversation instantly awkward), at the lounge, you can't turn around, storm to your room, and blast Led Zeppelin.
So then what? We're thinking Valentino should teach a class. Or you could keep reading. Same difference.
Let's start at the very beginning:
A very good place to start. You know you'd become BFFs with that cool guy at the other end of the bar if you could just figure out how to start the conversation.
The joy--pure joy--of the cigar lounge is the perpetual conversation starter. Repeat after us: "What are you smoking?" When he answers, focus on him. "How do you like that?" or a similar query to start conversing about something you know he's interested in. This works best.
Don't turn the conversation towards yourself. Your self-imposed mission is to connect with him, not try to impress him with your cleverness--although you can certainly sneak some of that in there!
And remember remember remember: Don't just interject yourself into an established conversation. Interlopers don't make good friends.
Redirection is key when a conversation goes sideways:
The best approach Jim and I saw, as we prepared to cringe while watching a conversation tumble around the participants:
"Oh! I'm sorry to interrupt, but I don't want to forget again. I've been meaning to ask you..." And then fill in any bit of information you can think of, like...
(Fun fact--Did you know it only takes four seconds of silence to turn a conversation awkward?***)
When you're considering pulling the fire alarm to get out of a conversation, fines be damned:
Sometimes this is the hardest part. I wish I could be one of those people who just turns and walks away (while Led Zeppelin blasts in my head), but my mom would know, via her spidey-senses. Then she'd be disappointed.****
You can, however, excuse yourself without breaking manners protocol:
Tell your partner in conversation, "Oh my gosh. There's Percival. I need to chat with him for a second. Excuse me." This technique is frequently included in lists of "How to get out of a conversation without committing murder." But if you're as awkward as I am, and as much of a terrible liar as well, this probably won't work for you.
The other tried-and-true bailing method: "I've got to get going. I promised Bob, Ted, and Alice I'd meet them at the restaurant and I'm already late." Obviously, this isn't going to work if you don't want to leave the cigar lounge. Plus, he can see you if you don't leave. Awkward.
Sure, the non-verbal signals exist, but what if your conversation nemesis is oblivious? Stand and move away from him, and you'll just be followed. Look at your phone, respond to a fake text, and say "I've got to return this call. Excuse me."
Speaking of the phone, I hear Valentino tell people, "Well, I'll let you go" as if this were their request. I don't have the skillz for this either. Either I don't answer the phone at all or do and need to abandon ship quickly, I'll say (to a loved one), "I've got to pee."***** Use this excuse in person and no one's going to ignore you, letting nature take its course. Awkward and embarrassing.
Okay. If you're still confused, meet us for a drink and watch Valentino in action. It's a sight to behold.
*And yes, she knew I existed. I sat right next to him! We'd been introduced!
**Thanks for asking. Right now, I'm reading Dry Bones, the newest Longmire book by Craig Johnson.
***I'd tell you the source, but I can't remember where I read this. Since I saw it on the mighty, mighty internets, it must be true, right? Oh! Found it! New York Magazine!
****And we all know this is a million times worse than her being mad.
*****I know. Classy.
 |
| Me, daily. |
Anyway, some of us (cough, me, cough) tend to personify awkward conversation, while folks like Valentino are masters of conversation. As a matter of fact, our friend Jim (Hi Jim!) and I watched the master in action and Jim said, "How does he manage to get people to tell him the most private things?" True story. He'd just met the woman and she was telling him things I don't even think I've told him.* That man can make any conversation sparkle.
Lucky bugger. I've yet to see him in the midst of an awkward conversation. I, however, live in Awkwardville. But awkwardness does happen, even in the cigar lounge family. Unlike during a chat with your creepy Uncle Bing (who turns every conversation instantly awkward), at the lounge, you can't turn around, storm to your room, and blast Led Zeppelin.
So then what? We're thinking Valentino should teach a class. Or you could keep reading. Same difference.
Let's start at the very beginning:
A very good place to start. You know you'd become BFFs with that cool guy at the other end of the bar if you could just figure out how to start the conversation.
The joy--pure joy--of the cigar lounge is the perpetual conversation starter. Repeat after us: "What are you smoking?" When he answers, focus on him. "How do you like that?" or a similar query to start conversing about something you know he's interested in. This works best.
Don't turn the conversation towards yourself. Your self-imposed mission is to connect with him, not try to impress him with your cleverness--although you can certainly sneak some of that in there!
And remember remember remember: Don't just interject yourself into an established conversation. Interlopers don't make good friends.
Redirection is key when a conversation goes sideways:
The best approach Jim and I saw, as we prepared to cringe while watching a conversation tumble around the participants:
"Oh! I'm sorry to interrupt, but I don't want to forget again. I've been meaning to ask you..." And then fill in any bit of information you can think of, like...
- How's your wife? Is she feeling better?
- Is your daughter doing better in school?
- How's your car running now? Where did you take the car to be repaired? I'm looking for a new mechanic.
- What are you reading now? [Don't ask this of Valentino. He'll say books are dumb. But I can talk forever about books.**]
- Can you give me the recipe for...
- Do you know when [name]'s birthday is?
(Fun fact--Did you know it only takes four seconds of silence to turn a conversation awkward?***)
When you're considering pulling the fire alarm to get out of a conversation, fines be damned:
Sometimes this is the hardest part. I wish I could be one of those people who just turns and walks away (while Led Zeppelin blasts in my head), but my mom would know, via her spidey-senses. Then she'd be disappointed.****
You can, however, excuse yourself without breaking manners protocol:
Tell your partner in conversation, "Oh my gosh. There's Percival. I need to chat with him for a second. Excuse me." This technique is frequently included in lists of "How to get out of a conversation without committing murder." But if you're as awkward as I am, and as much of a terrible liar as well, this probably won't work for you.
The other tried-and-true bailing method: "I've got to get going. I promised Bob, Ted, and Alice I'd meet them at the restaurant and I'm already late." Obviously, this isn't going to work if you don't want to leave the cigar lounge. Plus, he can see you if you don't leave. Awkward.
Sure, the non-verbal signals exist, but what if your conversation nemesis is oblivious? Stand and move away from him, and you'll just be followed. Look at your phone, respond to a fake text, and say "I've got to return this call. Excuse me."
Speaking of the phone, I hear Valentino tell people, "Well, I'll let you go" as if this were their request. I don't have the skillz for this either. Either I don't answer the phone at all or do and need to abandon ship quickly, I'll say (to a loved one), "I've got to pee."***** Use this excuse in person and no one's going to ignore you, letting nature take its course. Awkward and embarrassing.
Okay. If you're still confused, meet us for a drink and watch Valentino in action. It's a sight to behold.
*And yes, she knew I existed. I sat right next to him! We'd been introduced!
**Thanks for asking. Right now, I'm reading Dry Bones, the newest Longmire book by Craig Johnson.
***I'd tell you the source, but I can't remember where I read this. Since I saw it on the mighty, mighty internets, it must be true, right? Oh! Found it! New York Magazine!
****And we all know this is a million times worse than her being mad.
*****I know. Classy.
What day is it? iROBUSTO day!
In the mother country* lives the best idea for outdoor smoking: The COSA, the Comfortable/Covered Outdoor Smoking Area. I need these in my life.
Read all about them on iROBUSTO!** (Then you'll need COSAs in your life too.)
*Yes, England.
**Yes, I wrote the article. No, I didn't get a chance to do hands-on research. ::sulks::
*Yes, England.
**Yes, I wrote the article. No, I didn't get a chance to do hands-on research. ::sulks::
Monday, June 1, 2015
Words of Wisdom #79
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| [source] |
"There's something about smoking a cigar that feels like a celebration. It's like a fine wine. There's a quality, a workmanship, a passion that goes into the smoking of a fine cigar."
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