Wednesday, August 12, 2015

5 things about...stupid questions

I believe I am required by law* to say "There's no such thing as stupid questions."

But come on. If you're a cigar smoker who has been on Facebook for more than three minutes, you've come in contact with a stupid question or two, including the following five.

5. Real or fake?

Not these. The other kind.
You own it. Does it matter?

If you aren't positive whether your recently acquired "Cuban" actually hails from the newly-unembargoed country, forget its heritage and either smoke it or don't. Here's why: If your overpriced vacation souvenir is a "Fauxhiba," you won't enjoy it, knowing you've been duped. (You and everyone else on the cruise.)

Or perhaps a pal brought it back for you as a thanks for ensuring his house wasn't overrun by uncollected mail and newspapers. You don't want to look at him differently for getting you a fake. Smoke it, none the wiser. Remain BFFs.

Never never never
in a glass/plastic-topped box.

If you don't set this "Cuban" aflame, you'll glare at it each time you open the humidor and its off-color yellow band winks at you from below the Nicaraguan, Honduran, and Dominican beauties. Either way, no joy. Smoke it. Move on with your life.

4. "This isn't cigar related, but..." and then a non-cigar related question.
Why why why is this happening on a cigar Facebook page? Send a private message to a couple of folks if you need an answer to your extremely pressing problem. Yes, this social media group is like a family--a family of thousands--but would you ask your entire family for their opinion on...anything?

3. Mold or plume?
This question always always always reminds me of this:

Mold: Fuzzy, usually in spots rather than all over (at first), and notably on the foot if in full bloom. Spreads from cigar to cigar. Usually in 70+% humidity, although not exclusively. Pitch the cigars, because yuck.

Plume: Appears evenly on the cigar, stemming from the oils crystallizing because it has been stored awesomely for a long period of time. Keep it because yum.

If you can't tell from these descriptions and an internet image search, you should probably literally ask a professional in person.

2.  What do you guys think about...[insert cigar brand and stick here]?

Consider this a verbal facepalm.
A variety of answers from a variety of people shall consume the internet, with participants arguing amongst themselves. Expect to hear "Best smoke ever!" "It's okay." and "That sucks"--all about the same cigar. Variations include "Overpriced" "An okay dogwalker" and "Where did you get that? I've been looking all over for that!"**

What is the purpose of asking except to incite a Facebook riot?

1. Which one should I smoke?
This one makes Valentino's head explode.
This question generally comes accompanied by a picture of three or so cigars, lined up for the firing, er... lighting, squad.
A new cigar community member learns quickly not everyone will love every cigar. So why are you asking perfect strangers which one you should choose? If you've spent cash money on them, we hope you'd actually like them. Plus, how do we know what mood you're in?

This is a show-off ploy. A lot more honest (and less annoying) (and less passive-aggressive) Facebook post would be, "I'm so excited! I just found my favorite!" or even "I'm going to try this cool new cigar! I've heard a lot about it!"

To quote our hero, whose head, thankfully, has remained intact, "Why the fuck do I care what you smoke?"

We all know you don't really want an answer--you want attention. Go spend time with your family, make friends with a neighbor, or hang out at a cigar lounge. (If you need an answer, especially about #1 or #3, head to your local tobacconist for a professional opinion.)

*Because I shape the minds of America's youth for money

**This is a form of dry-begging, which makes me want to throat-punch people.

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