5 things about...stupid questions

I believe I am required by law* to say "There's no such thing as stupid questions."

But come on. If you're a cigar smoker who has been on Facebook for more than three minutes, you've come in contact with a stupid question or two, including the following five.

5. Real or fake?

Not these. The other kind.

You own it. Does it matter?

If you aren't positive whether your recently acquired "Cuban" actually hails from the newly-unembargoed country, forget its heritage and either smoke it or don't. Here's why: If your overpriced vacation souvenir is a "Fauxhiba," you won't enjoy it, knowing you've been duped. (You and everyone else on the cruise.)

Or perhaps a pal brought it back for you as a thanks for ensuring his house wasn't overrun by uncollected mail and newspapers. You don't want to look at him differently for getting you a fake. Smoke it, none the wiser. Remain BFFs.

Never never never
in a glass/plastic-topped box.
Never.

If you don't set this "Cuban" aflame, you'll glare at it each time you open the humidor and its off-color yellow band winks at you from below the Nicaraguan, Honduran, and Dominican beauties. Either way, no joy. Smoke it. Move on with your life.

4. "This isn't cigar related, but..." and then a non-cigar related question.
Why why why is this happening on a cigar Facebook page? Send a private message to a couple of folks if you need an answer to your extremely pressing problem. Yes, this social media group is like a family--a family of thousands--but would you ask your entire family for their opinion on...anything?

3. Mold or plume?
This question always always always reminds me of this:

Mold: Fuzzy, usually in spots rather than all over (at first), and notably on the foot if in full bloom. Spreads from cigar to cigar. Usually in 70+% humidity, although not exclusively. Pitch the cigars, because yuck.

Plume: Appears evenly on the cigar, stemming from the oils crystallizing because it has been stored awesomely for a long period of time. Keep it because yum.

If you can't tell from these descriptions and an internet image search, you should probably literally ask a professional in person.

Literally.

2.  What do you guys think about...[insert cigar brand and stick here]?

Consider this a verbal facepalm.

A variety of answers from a variety of people shall consume the internet, with participants arguing amongst themselves. Expect to hear "Best smoke ever!" "It's okay." and "That sucks"--all about the same cigar. Variations include "Overpriced" "An okay dogwalker" and "Where did you get that? I've been looking all over for that!"**

What is the purpose of asking except to incite a Facebook riot?

1. Which one should I smoke?
This one makes Valentino's head explode.

Figuratively.

This question generally comes accompanied by a picture of three or so cigars, lined up for the firing, er... lighting, squad.
A new cigar community member learns quickly not everyone will love every cigar. So why are you asking perfect strangers which one you should choose? If you've spent cash money on them, we hope you'd actually like them. Plus, how do we know what mood you're in?

This is a show-off ploy. A lot more honest (and less annoying) (and less passive-aggressive) Facebook post would be, "I'm so excited! I just found my favorite!" or even "I'm going to try this cool new cigar! I've heard a lot about it!"

To quote our hero, whose head, thankfully, has remained intact, "Why the fuck do I care what you smoke?"

So...
We all know you don't really want an answer--you want attention. Go spend time with your family, make friends with a neighbor, or hang out at a cigar lounge. (If you need an answer, especially about #1 or #3, head to your local tobacconist for a professional opinion.)




*Because I shape the minds of America's youth for money

**This is a form of dry-begging, which makes me want to throat-punch people.

Words of Wisdom #19

[source]

“A Hoyo de Monterrey double corona is my favourite Cuban since Desi Arnaz.”
-- Bill Cosby, American actor and comedian

 

In Search of...The Perfect Humidor

With apologies in advance to Leonard Nimoy, host of the show I watched regularly from 1977-1982.*

Is this on Netflix? I suddenly have an urgent need to watch all 144 episodes. [source]

When I first met Valentino, this was his humidor:

That's cute.

For our first Christmas together, I bought him something fancier. I didn't know anything about humidors or cigars, but I liked the way it looked and, um, yeah...this was the result:

Don't worry; we know the analog reading is wrong. There's a digital inside.

This one (above) served a good life, remaining his main squeeze for about three years.

This past Christmas, he opened his gift, which was...

You mean your cruise ship cabin doesn't have two floors? I'm sorry.

Or enough room to run amuck?
Not shown: balcony and two-story windows. And lots more room.

No, not a humidor. A cruise to the Caribbean, which included a port call to Falmouth, Jamaica, where there just happened to be a La Casa del Habano, where there just happened to be authentic Cuban cigars that just happened to be waiting for us (and our American Express card).

The only for-sure place you will be able to buy real Cubans
without the horror of being told they're fake upon your arrival home.

Unfortunately (ha ha) we just happened to get a cigar or ten (ha ha) which just happened to require the purchase of this:

Cubans and fancy-pants favorites only.

So that was cool, right? Until this old gal began to get overloaded

"Remember when I was pretty enough
and young enough to hold your fancy cigars?"
::weeps silently::

So we headed to one of our favorite places, Mr. J's Havana Shop, not really looking for another humidor, but you know how when you're not looking, that's when love finds you... Or you find a humidor. Whatever. Same concept. Yeah. That happened.  Paul Joyle, proprietor and all-around awesome guy produced these two gems, which we snapped up, although we only intended to use this one, the CAO.

"Put me in, coach!"

The other was for decorative purposes only--because it is so cool.

Yes, that is the inaugural cover of Cigar Aficionado made into a humidor by Colibri.
We own #7 of 1,992. Thanks, Paul!

One day not too long ago, I happened upon a sale somewhere--and honestly I don't remember the actual cigars I purchased, but this humidor came with it.  Since you obviously don't want your flavored (you smarty-pants people probably call them infused) cigars mucking up the others, this one made the big league. 
 

I call this the Sweet Box.**


And then. And THEN! On our way to Pittsburgh, we accidently went 80 miles out of our way and stopped at the Cigars International Hamburg store.

Ahhhh...Mecca...

Many bunches of cigars begged us to get them out of there, so we complied. (We're nice like that.) Since Valentino was on his way to play in a superfun golf tournament, we decided he needed this:

Herfador is a very fun word to say.

And then somehow, we managed to go out of our way as we travelled back to Massachusetts and wound up in the Cigars International Bethlehem store. Darn you, GPS and your evil plans!

Mecca's little sister.

This has since been called up to the big leagues:

"I thought I was just for show!"****
"Be quiet and concentrate on staying at 70% humidity."

Here's the deal. We now have seven SEVEN!***** humidors in the living room. (Luckily, we have a giant living room.)

Er, humidor. [source]

So, yeah, we're in the market for a tower, but the perfect one is as elusive as Bigfoot, everything the Bermuda Triangle absorbed, and the Loch Ness Monster--cumulatively. I'm suggesting we just turn one of the many empty bedrooms into a walk-in humidor. But that's just me being crayyyyyyyzeeee.



I could live in there. Although my hair would be crazy. But still... [source]

I want to talk lots and lots more about humidors and humidification, but I know you're only here for the pictures.


*Why did I watch this? I am afraid of my own shadow on a good day! I keep my phone ringer off because it makes me jump in surprise when it goes off! Who thought me watching this was a good idea??

**Do with this what you will.***  I'll wait.

***Hahahaha.

****I say the same thing when Valentino asks me to clean something.

*****

 

Yes, they are all real. We even checked the serial numbers.

 

The Two Caballeros*, part the first: The Cuban Trade and '64 Padrons

Last night, I had a double date--yes, two of my favorite men** wined and dined me. Actually, sangria, not wine, and by "dine" I mean "ate until we almost died from deliciousness."

 

Valentino and I dragged our friend Doc to one of our most favorite restaurants on Federal Hill in Providence, RI (and really, one of our favorites in the universe), Opa the Phoenician, owned and run by Joe Karam.  (We learned about the place years ago because his daughter was in one of my classes and she remains one of my all-time favorite students--and not just because she makes a delicious sangria.)

 

Anyway, if you go (and you SHOULD go) you must must must get the tasting menu at this Lebanese/Mediterranean restaurant.  Do not order off the menu.  Do. Not. Please, just let Joe decide what you're going to get; you will not be sorry.  If you like unique stuff that you can't get just anywhere, this is your place.  If you ask really nicely, and it's available, get the raw kibbeh. (Follow the link, read about it, and don't you dare turn up your nose until you've tried it.) And if you're super adventurous, you should ask if Joe has raw liver (not for me, but the men loved it) and the lamb testicles, which you should stop your laughing until you try it, because those em-effers were damned good.

 

So when I rolled out of the restaurant, a little more slowly than the men because some nose-powdering was necessary, I found the guys chatting about (what else?) cigars with Joe. Actually, by the time I got out there, trades had already occurred, a couple of unbanded sticks to my guys and a banded but of the same heritage to Joe, if you catch my drift. 

 

Then we headed to Tammany Hall, a cigar bar down the street, where Doc's generosity hit a pinnacle.  He handed Valentino a Padron Family Reserve 1964 45th Anniversary Maduro that had been aging in his humidor for five years. They lit them up. I almost died of happiness. Five years of aging on top of tobacco that had already been aged for ten years, the hallmark of the Padron Family Reserve series.

 

Valentino to the right of me.

 

An article on the Cigars International website beautifully describes the aging process: "You know the taste of a well-aged cigar: the subtle complexity, the certain 'je ne c'est quoi,' that light kiss of tobacco flavor left gently lingering. Aging is often what makes a good cigar a great one."

Doc to the left.

Man, oh, man, when a great cigar becomes an even greater one? There are no appropriate words for this 52 x 6". I wanted everyone else to put their smokes out because the smell was polluting this delicious experience--like when you're trying to listen to your favorite song and people keep talking through it. I was lucky that they were both smoking the same thing on either side of me.  Now that's heaven!

Doc also gave Valentino a Padron Magnum 50 x 9" natural, which had been in his humidor for seven years. Seven effing years, on top of the two and a half years of aging the tobacco. You're going to have to wait to hear about that smoke (and second-hand smoke).
 



*Almost forgot! Caballero is one of my favorite words. It's Spanish for "knight" or "gentleman." I don't know which descriptor is more appropriate!

**Sorry you couldn't join us Cathie! Hope you're enjoying your vacation!!

Meet the House Specialist...

...the man who smokes!

...the man with the big cigar!

...the man who reads the posts and just stares at me (I'd like to think he's staring because he's in awe of my genius, but the stare is usually accompanied by a comment like, "You're writing about Spanx in a cigar blog?)

...the man who takes one for the team and smokes all these delicious cigars so I can second-hand smoke them.  (The sacrifices you guys make in the name of love...just staggering.)

It's Valentino!

When did you first start smoking cigars?
Jeez, it had to be in the late 80s.

Do you remember what kind it was?
The Baccarat.  My first box purchase ever. I hated it. I asked the guy at Thomson, or maybe CI, for a recommendation. ::here in the interview is a lot of hand flailing, as the Italians do::  I think I have the box! I don't even remember the flavor. I was new to smoking and I just didn't think they were very good. But then again I didn't know what was not good back then. Oh, plus price. It was definitely a price-conscious purchase back then.

The actual box o' pain and disappointment.

We should give them another try!
::painedlook::

Or not.
I really started smoking cigars on golf trips for my work.*  One of the perks were all these free, amazing cigars, and meeting all these great guys who smoked. That's when I really started getting into the whole culture. My go-to back then was Macanudo.

[*I know what you're thinking. Whhhhaaaaa? Where can I get that job? Exactly. --ed]

Say I bought you a box of cigars and, by the way, it's beautifully wrapped because you know that's one of my mad skillz. Before you open the package, what brand and type of cigar are you hoping for? (Not Cubans, because there's no way I could get those without you knowing, since I'd have to ask you to get my passport out of the safe, and then you'd see the flight to and hotel at a place with a La Casa del Habano nearby, and... So, no Cubans. What else?)
'64 Padron Pyramid. Or the Torpedo.  To quote comedian Brian Regan, "They're BOTH favorites."

I would pretend not to see the charges if you wanted to go to a LCDH.

Because you're nice like that. So I'm smuggling Montecristo #2s into the country?
It's not like you haven't done it before.

Whatever, dude. Next question: What do you like most about the cigar community?
Camraderie. How nice everybody is.  You come in, everybody says, "Hello." Not like a regular bar, where people keep to themselves and smoke their cigarettes, hanging in their cliques. In a cigar bar or with a group of cigar smokers hanging around together, you feel like everybody is on the same level. No one is sitting there thinking that they're better than anyone else.  And everyone talks to each other about the cigars they're smoking, which leads to other conversations, and very quickly, friendship.

And everyone's willing to share. Need a lighter or a cutter? Here you go.  And on more than one occasion, someone has mentioned that they have never tried a certain cigar and they're quickly gifted with one.

You handed over one of the beloved Monte #2s once, to someone you didn't even know that well, although we did see him pretty regularly at events sponsored by our tobacconist.
Well, he said he'd never had one.

Of course. You look like you need a smoke.  What are we having? How about a Monte... Just kidding. Kuba Kuba? I'm dying for something sweet.
::stares in that way that makes a girl's Spanx fall off (which is no easy task)::

Ciao!

At LCDH in Falmouth, Jamaica.