5 Things* about...Why you should like the Love of the Leaf Facebook page

 If you don't like Love of the Leaf on Facebook, you've made us have the sad. You're missing out on so...much...awesome! Keep reading (if you need convincing) and then join us there, at the cool kids hangout! (They let me go there too, so if you're uber-uncool like me, they'll still like you!)

5. Exclusive giveaways
You know we're not above bribery! For example, when we reach 200 likes/followers/stalkers, one lucky subscriber gets this (chosen completely randomly because, if nothing else, we're obsessively fair):

Instagram photo by @jerseyjay. Swiped from here.
(Too lazy to get up and take my own photo.)

Yep. One of you will receive two Drew Estate Undercrown Shade cigars! Like the page and you're in the running! (Chat with previous winners and they'll tell you we have difficulty with directions, always sending more than promised. Damn us!)

4.5. Sales and auctions
Sometimes we manage to lay our hands on cigars and swag that might make some of you swoon. You know. This kind of stuff:

Auction coming soon! For realz!

or this:

Just the hat, ma'am. Or sir.
[Source]

...or who knows what else.  As we've told you before, one of us is known as the Cigar Hunter, able to find and trap even the most elusive of sticks. We want to share the awesomeness with you by offering the stuff for sale or auction. (We're nice like that! But not nice enough to just give it to you!)

4. Your sales and auctions! Yes--your very own!
List cigars you want to sell or auction! Check out the pinned post on the Love of the Leaf Facebook page for guidelines. Keep in mind--this page is for kindness only, so please don't gripe or bitch about prices or anything else.  If you have a problem, please direct your comments towards the person privately or send me or Valentino a message. We'll help resolve any problem! And if we can't, we'll send out the Goon Squad.**

3. Blog posts, which as you know, are always good for a laugh or five. 
No need to track down that day's blog posts or new info on the Love of the Leaf website. The Facebook page will bring it all to you in one shot. Lucky you!

2. Instagram photos documenting cigar shenanigans, featuring all the crazy one picture can hold.
Like this one, a personal fave:

1. Additional bouts of craziness I can't put into words or even anticipate!
Who knows what we're going to get into next! (Although if you want to know where we'll be, in hopes of catching us mid-shenanigan, check out these events...more added frequently!)


*6 really, but we're pretending 5.
**Zillion trillion bonus points plus my undying friendship for getting the reference.

Why I don't post every day.

My friend Pat (Hi Pat!) is a supergreat lady and BFF Jame's mom.

Sometimes, when a blogger she loves takes a break or doesn't post regularly, Pat says, "[Name of blogger] has gone off her blog."

I go off my blog pretty regularly--days pass and I know you miss me. Sorry! I miss you too!

I wish I could post a lovely, witty, clever story daily. Except some days I don't feel lovely or witty, or even especially clever. Sometimes these are days I've "gone off the Adderall." Sometimes I sensory-overloaded the previous day or two, sending my body into a tizzy, because MS is an asshole.*

I never go off the blog because I lack content ideas. Currently, 67 stories live in the blogger draft folder and another million in my brain draft folder--and don't forget pictures on my iPhone demanding words.

I'm unsure how long a blog post takes other folks to write, but for Love of the Leaf? I average four hours for 400-500 words. Four. Hours. Think I'm crazy? Take a look at a post creation, the 5 things about CRA (Star Wars edition), created in the Habanos Cigar Lounge members' room:

3 months (at least): You need to write about the Cigar Rights of America organization, my brain tells me. I promise. With my fingers crossed.

1 hour: Research CRA, reading their website, current national, state, and local issues, previously submitted legislation and results.  Drink Diet Coke, thanks to bartender.

Without you, DC, I am nothing.

1/2 an hour: Make a list of "things," culled from research, that require inclusion for an audience with a slight working knowledge of the organization. Come up with a dozen.

1/2 an hour: Delete extraneous and repetitive topics and pile a couple together, all while eating cookies. Realize there are still seven (items on the list, not cookies).

1/2 an hour: Play Sophie's Choice, trying to determine which points readers should know about most. (Five things is random but it's a manageable number for most topics.)

You guys. I need this. Need it badly or I will die.
Available here.

1/2 an hour, many more cookies: Expand on points, adding details and explanations, along with a brief introduction.

5 minutes: Read post, finding it so boring I nod off. Consume more Diet Coke in huge quantities.

20 minutes: Look at Google images, putting in keywords from the (boring) text. Consider featuring Archer gifs again just because...Archer.

Because Archer.

5 minutes: Re-reread boring text and spot a glimmer of an idea. If only the CRA had a version of the Force to say, "This is not the legislation you are looking for" to the Evil Empire's stormtroopers.

1/2 an hour: Rewrite entire piece with Star Wars extended metaphor. Feel smugly genius throughout revision.

40 minutes: Reread. Feel the opposite of awesome. 700 words. I edit out clutter, helping verbs, prepositional phrases, adverbs, and all the other word detritus, inching closer to (self-imposed) 400-word "5 Things" limit. Hit 500 words. Think about throwing in the towel and saying, "Meh. Good enough."

20 minutes: Pound head on glass table out of frustration, which also dislodges remaining active brain cells. Cut another hundred words.

5 minutes: Valentino reads the piece. A friend (with 90+ books published) says, "Good editors make good writers." True story. Our hero points out a sentence unclear beyond the limits of my brain. He offers suggestions for a funnier turn of phrase, kisses me on the top of the head (as all good editors should), and flees writer central.

15 minutes: Revise again.

Publish blog post.

10 minutes: Reread 500 times and make adjustments.

Post on Facebook.**

Lather, rinse, repeat.


I can do both in the Habanos Members' Room.

*I don't need to hear about how diet soda will make my head explode and/or is giving me MS. I literally have one vice: Diet Coke.

**Do you like our Facebook page yet? You should. We're giving away stuff on there! You like stuff! We like giving stuff!

5 things about...stupid questions

I believe I am required by law* to say "There's no such thing as stupid questions."

But come on. If you're a cigar smoker who has been on Facebook for more than three minutes, you've come in contact with a stupid question or two, including the following five.

5. Real or fake?

Not these. The other kind.

You own it. Does it matter?

If you aren't positive whether your recently acquired "Cuban" actually hails from the newly-unembargoed country, forget its heritage and either smoke it or don't. Here's why: If your overpriced vacation souvenir is a "Fauxhiba," you won't enjoy it, knowing you've been duped. (You and everyone else on the cruise.)

Or perhaps a pal brought it back for you as a thanks for ensuring his house wasn't overrun by uncollected mail and newspapers. You don't want to look at him differently for getting you a fake. Smoke it, none the wiser. Remain BFFs.

Never never never
in a glass/plastic-topped box.
Never.

If you don't set this "Cuban" aflame, you'll glare at it each time you open the humidor and its off-color yellow band winks at you from below the Nicaraguan, Honduran, and Dominican beauties. Either way, no joy. Smoke it. Move on with your life.

4. "This isn't cigar related, but..." and then a non-cigar related question.
Why why why is this happening on a cigar Facebook page? Send a private message to a couple of folks if you need an answer to your extremely pressing problem. Yes, this social media group is like a family--a family of thousands--but would you ask your entire family for their opinion on...anything?

3. Mold or plume?
This question always always always reminds me of this:

Mold: Fuzzy, usually in spots rather than all over (at first), and notably on the foot if in full bloom. Spreads from cigar to cigar. Usually in 70+% humidity, although not exclusively. Pitch the cigars, because yuck.

Plume: Appears evenly on the cigar, stemming from the oils crystallizing because it has been stored awesomely for a long period of time. Keep it because yum.

If you can't tell from these descriptions and an internet image search, you should probably literally ask a professional in person.

Literally.

2.  What do you guys think about...[insert cigar brand and stick here]?

Consider this a verbal facepalm.

A variety of answers from a variety of people shall consume the internet, with participants arguing amongst themselves. Expect to hear "Best smoke ever!" "It's okay." and "That sucks"--all about the same cigar. Variations include "Overpriced" "An okay dogwalker" and "Where did you get that? I've been looking all over for that!"**

What is the purpose of asking except to incite a Facebook riot?

1. Which one should I smoke?
This one makes Valentino's head explode.

Figuratively.

This question generally comes accompanied by a picture of three or so cigars, lined up for the firing, er... lighting, squad.
A new cigar community member learns quickly not everyone will love every cigar. So why are you asking perfect strangers which one you should choose? If you've spent cash money on them, we hope you'd actually like them. Plus, how do we know what mood you're in?

This is a show-off ploy. A lot more honest (and less annoying) (and less passive-aggressive) Facebook post would be, "I'm so excited! I just found my favorite!" or even "I'm going to try this cool new cigar! I've heard a lot about it!"

To quote our hero, whose head, thankfully, has remained intact, "Why the fuck do I care what you smoke?"

So...
We all know you don't really want an answer--you want attention. Go spend time with your family, make friends with a neighbor, or hang out at a cigar lounge. (If you need an answer, especially about #1 or #3, head to your local tobacconist for a professional opinion.)




*Because I shape the minds of America's youth for money

**This is a form of dry-begging, which makes me want to throat-punch people.

5 things about...When to ask for help in a cigar lounge or: Ode to my celebrity boyfriend, RIP

Untrue! Untrue! Untrue!
(No disrespect, though, sir.)

You’ve driven by this cigar lounge no less than one million times, barely noticing it.

Today, your car pulls itself into the parking lot.

Last week at the cookout, your best pal handed you a cigar. You savored every last moment of it, right down to the finger-burning nubbin.* At party’s end, you were set free, cigarless, no memory of the name or band. But damn, it was good.

Now here you sit, scrolling through Facebook, the world’s best procrastination tool, hoping no one’s watching you through the lounge’s mirrored plate glass windows.**

Exactly. Put down the phone and go in.

Go in. We’re right there with you, cheering you on. Just keep some stuff in mind—and if you don’t remember any or all of it, ask for a tutorial from a kind soul—and by that we mean anyone in the lounge.

Choosing the cigar
You don’t remember that fantastic smoke. That’s okay. Ask your cigartender for assistance and she’ll happily help, by asking what you like. Shrugging won’t offend her, especially since you’ve had exactly one cigar in your life. She’ll probably start you with something more on the mild side rather than something super strong and powerful that kicks your tastebuds in the nuts.*** Who knows? This could be your new favorite (at least for a while).

Words to live by.

Cutting the cigar
Cigar in hand, you’ll be pointed toward the cutting station or your cigartender will ask you how you’d like it cut. What she means: straight cut, V-cut, or punch. You probably don’t have a preference, so just go with the straight cut for now. You can figure out your favorite in future visits.

Lighting the cigar
Lighting a cigar is nothing short of a process, a procedure, a preamble to a long, relaxing hour or more. Go here for the fastest,no-nonsense how-to ever. Or… ask for a tutorial, paying close attention to the way she sets the cigar aflame.

Never never never forget: Don't inhale.

Settling in and maintaining the cigar
You’re chatting with new, cigar-smoking friends. You take a puff and…nothing. The bastard’s gone out. Yeah, it happens. Borrow the house lighter again. Flame + puff = you’re back in business. And don’t worry: You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes a cigar shrugs and gives up the ghost.

Making friends
So you’re there, you’re comfortable, and you’re chatting. We have to go, but you’re in good hands. If you need advice, a suggestion of another cigar, or anything else, the folks in the cigar lounge are great people. They’ll give you a hand; buy them a drink as thanks.

We’ll catch you next time!

 

 

*Like our SuperFriend Brian. Hi Brian!

**They aren’t. We promise.

***If your tastebuds have nuts. Otherwise, this is a dang good metaphor.

5 Things about... Cigar Rights of America (Star Wars Edition)

Full disclosure: I am the least political person on the planet. Okay, maybe it's a tie between me and a newborn, but I'm pretty sure I fall below that precious bundle.

I'm never going to get into a debate about which candidate (for anything) is better, why the [insert noun here] should be [verb], or chatter on about "Can you believe the..." At this point, I scroll on down the Facebook feed.

However! Even I, the most neutral of all sentient beings in the galaxy, see the necessity of Cigar Rights of America (CRA), as state and federal leaders ban cigar smokers* from buildings and parks and towns,** impose outrageous taxes, and attempt to crush an entire industry.


[source]

5. The Food and Drug Administration geniuses*** are creating the Death Star of legislation and regulations that "could cripple the premium cigar industry by banning walk-in humidors, defacing or covering cigar box artwork, and requiring manufacturers to submit their blends for “testing” before they can be sold." Consider them the tyrannical Galactic Empire and CRA the Rebel Alliance, sadly, without lightsabers.

I wish.

4. CRA (Cigar Rebel Alliance, if you will) is committed to protecting the rights of the growers, manufacturers, retailers, and consumers of premium cigars by serving as a voice at each level of government. I just wish they had droids.

3. Use the Force. (That's you, by the way.) Because the Cigar Rebel Alliance is a grassroots movement, the Luke Skywalkers (growers and rollers), Han Solos (retailers), and Princess Leias (owners and executives) need to come together to create a strong voice, with the goals of changing "the course of policy, perception, and elections."

[source]

2. We have our very own Obi-Wan Kenobi. Or Yoda. I couldn't settle on which metaphor worked better. But we have him: Glynn Loope, the Alliance's Executive Director.

1. We mustn't let them complete the Death Star. "Cigar Rights of America (CRA) is the first and only consumer-based public advocacy group fighting to protect the individual rights to enjoy premium cigars. Over the past twenty years, the anti-tobacco movement’s reach has broadened, and your ability to enjoy premium cigars and freely participate in a relaxing, social activity has been continually regulated and restricted."

All information about the CRA culled from the organization's official website.
All information about Star Wars retrieved from my massive Star Wars brain.



*And those squirrelly cigarette smokers who quickly puff for a fix rather than relaxation and contemplation.

**An exaggeration, but barely.

***I'm being facetious, obvs.

5 things about... Smoking multiple cigars in one outing

Maybe you're a cigar-a-day kind of smoker. Or cigar-a-week fella. Or a whenever-I-get-a-damn-moment-to-myself smoker. But remember that time you herfed all day and wanted to barf your guts up afterwards? Or some of your faves weren't so fave during the run. Check out these five things that may make those situations better:

You say "Eff you and your stupid rules, Penny." That's totally fine and when you return to admit defeat, we'll try not to look too smug.  Try. 

 

5. Start your day's smoking feast with a light cigar to awaken your palette. If you prefer starting with a metaphorical gut punch, that's fine, but when you shift to that milder cigar, your taste buds will shrug and say, "That's cute, but I'm getting nothing from it."

 

4. Unless! Yes, there's an "unless." If you have a new-to-you cigar you've been coveting and finally today's the day to light that sucker up, start with this new one.

 

Imagine: A new adult beverage comes into your life. You fall instantly in love, proclaiming this your forever and always drink.

 

 

 Around the tail end of the second or the beginning of the third drink or cigar (or date, if you got the implied metaphor), you decide, Meh, maybe not that great after all. With the first drink or the new cigar, your taste buds are all, "Hey sailor, come here often?" But if they've already spent time in another taste-damaging relationship, save the new cigar for another time.

 

3. Have some food or snacks nearby--even a couple pieces of chocolate will help to kick nicotine's ass.

 

While at IPCPR (International Premium Cigar and Pipe Retailers convention) earlier this week, Valentino returned to the room clammy and shaky. The first we attribute to New Orleans' humidity index of one zillion, the second from a deceptively strong cigar he'd taken for a “quick” smoke. Upon returning, he upended the Reese's Pieces bag into his mouth. Moments later, he returned to the captivating and charming man we all know and love. Before the Reese's though? Not so much.

 

2. Don't quickly puff through premium cigars to get to the next! It's not a race, so don't do what a certain person might do (or did today) with perfectly-cooked sweet potato fries. Please don't nom-nom-nom your cigar. Remember the very essence of cigar smoking--the relaxation, reflection, and community. Don't puff like Thomas the Tank Engine.

 

Probably too many for one day.

 

1. Don't be surprised if for a few days after a cigar binge, even thinking about cigar smoking makes you throw up in your mouth. On our drive home from CigarFest this year, as Caballeros #2 and #3 continued chain-smoking, our hero abstained and (temporarily) regretted our 520 new cigars, the mention of which turned his skin a nice puce.

 

The others openly mocked him, but during a soon-after Gathering of Merry Men, one caballero casually mentioned his inability to smoke for the week following the MegaHerf. (The other is inhuman and didn't have any problems continuing his pace.)

BONUS: Some signs you've probably done too much cigar smoking in a short period of time:

• Nausea
• Sweatiness*
• Lightheadedness

Please note, these are also the signs of falling in love, so double check the number of cigars you've smoked during the day. Less than three over the course of a day but with the same feelings? You may be enmeshed in the L-word.**

 

Or you have the flu.

 

 

 

*Unless you're in New Orleans, where I'm writing this.  If you're sweating here, chances are you're human. New Orleans is motherfucking hot.

 

**The other L-word. Love, for heaven's sake.

5 things about... Cigar Selfies or: The 5 things comes home!*

You’ve seen no less than one million cigar selfies.** Some are fantastic; some not so much. If you’ve a penchant for selfie-ing, we think you should probably knock it off. But if you can't help yourself and will die an internet death if you don't get your picture out in the world regularly, these tips can help:

[source]

5. Head and camera angles are everything.

Try a profile or a quarter-turn of the head rather than a straight-on shot. This addition increases allure and decreases the “Look at me!” stare generally accompanying a full-face photo. Simultaneously, hold the camera a little above you. This increases your gorgeous factor by 73%.* The reasoning is surely based on physics, spacial relations, or another math-based theory. Plus, it eliminates your double chin.

*Completely fabricated statistic.

[source]

4. Where to put your stick.

When precariously perching the cigar in the center of your lips, clenching your teeth to keep it steady, and snapping the photo, you appear to be simultaneously practicing fulcrum dynamics while honing the ever-unpopular duck face.

Hold the cigar, either close to your lips or not, your choice, and smile your natural smile. Don’t attempt to look cool or badass. As in every other aspect of the cigar community, be yourself.  If you truly are cool or a badass, that will sparkle through the smoke.

[source]

3. Speaking of smoke…

Smoke part of your cigar before snapping a photo. You’ll be ready for your closeup once you’ve fully committed to the first third.

Please don’t pretend to smoke an uncut or unlit cigar. You’ll look like a poser and squash your credibility. Similarly, if you’ve barely developed an ash, don’t praise the cigar’s magnificence.

Consider:

·       Why hide behind a cumulonimbus cloud? We know cigars make smoke. The person with the most smoke doesn’t get a prize.

·       Blowing smoke out of your nose makes you resemble an angry bull. Or dragon. If that’s your intention, great! But honestly, you probably want a better picture.

 

[source]

2. Tell us more!

Whether posting on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc., tell us about the cigar you're smoking—brand, size, wrapper, whatever. Or tell us where you are! Or who you’re with! Why is this cigar experience notable enough to share a picture? Make us care rather than giving us another picture to quickly scroll past.

 

[source]

 

1. Look great in other people’s pictures too!

When checking out another cigar smoker’s pics, DO NOT leave negative comments or accuse the photographer of real or imagined cigar infractions. Remember: one of the best parts of the cigar culture is community and camaraderie. Your offhand negative-sounding comment could ruin someone’s day—even if you just meant to be funny. After all, you wouldn’t want someone to ruin your great smoking memory with snark; don’t do it to someone else.

 

 

 

*The 5 things column originally ran on the iROBUSTO website. You can see all the previous "episodes" here. But we love you and with the launch of the new Love of the Leaf website, we wanted everything all Home, sweet home.

 

[source]

**Remember: If you aren't taking a picture of yourself, you aren't taking a "selfie." You know: selfie as in yourself. Sigh. This makes me cringe everytime I hear someone say, "Let me take a selfie of you!" Um, that's called a picture.

5 things about...Women Cigar Smokers

Why should you encourage your lady to love the leaf?

Our SuperFriend Nathalie!

I informally surveyed my cigar pals about what makes women who smoke cigars so awesome. (Not really a survey. I got them drunk and demanded answers before returning their lighters.)

5.”You get to double your cigar stuff!” Yeah, having extra humidor space could save the day. Looking to try a new cigar? Look! A humidor filled with new-to-you cigars right…there…

4. Brag about her to your friends. Those guys bitch that their wives hate them going out to smoke and coming home “stinking.” Then in strolls your lovely partner who sits down, kisses you, and lights a premium cigar correctly. You hear a “You lucky bastard” or two.

 

 

3. Buying birthday, anniversary, Christmas gifts is a cinch.

Your buddies circle the mall, declaring they won’t buy anything from the jewelry store.  As these poor guys close in on gift-giving day, they weep openly and slide their credit cards under the jewelry store security gate as the store manager tries to close up shop.

But you. You are one lucky SOB. You purchase a high-end monogrammed cutter and lighter. Or a new humidor. Or a box of her favorite cigars. Or or or. Your choices? Limitless.

2. Spend time with your best friend and cigar lounge pals. No leaving her behind as you go out!  No suffering through something she likes! She’s not accompanying you to something she hates!

You’re going out together, hanging with mutual friends with a shared interest. No asking permission to attend a weekend cigar festival. You go together and have a blast!

Do you have to go out together all the time? Gosh no. But you CAN. And that makes all the difference in the world.

 

The number one reason?

 

 

1.      “It’s sexy as fuck,” said every single guy “surveyed.”  Their reasoning:

• Wishful thinking, where the cigar isn’t just a cigar. (Sorry Dr. Freud.)
• A woman cigar smoker exudes power, is more in command; apparently guys like that.
•  She obviously needs relaxation and reflection time, a natural by-product of cigar smoking. 
• When in the company of cigar-smoking women, they don’t have to hold up a forced conversation.
•  Plus the whole wishful (hopeful) thinking thing.

 
This story was originally published on iRobusto.com.