Why I don't post every day.

My friend Pat (Hi Pat!) is a supergreat lady and BFF Jame's mom.

Sometimes, when a blogger she loves takes a break or doesn't post regularly, Pat says, "[Name of blogger] has gone off her blog."

I go off my blog pretty regularly--days pass and I know you miss me. Sorry! I miss you too!

I wish I could post a lovely, witty, clever story daily. Except some days I don't feel lovely or witty, or even especially clever. Sometimes these are days I've "gone off the Adderall." Sometimes I sensory-overloaded the previous day or two, sending my body into a tizzy, because MS is an asshole.*

I never go off the blog because I lack content ideas. Currently, 67 stories live in the blogger draft folder and another million in my brain draft folder--and don't forget pictures on my iPhone demanding words.

I'm unsure how long a blog post takes other folks to write, but for Love of the Leaf? I average four hours for 400-500 words. Four. Hours. Think I'm crazy? Take a look at a post creation, the 5 things about CRA (Star Wars edition), created in the Habanos Cigar Lounge members' room:

3 months (at least): You need to write about the Cigar Rights of America organization, my brain tells me. I promise. With my fingers crossed.

1 hour: Research CRA, reading their website, current national, state, and local issues, previously submitted legislation and results.  Drink Diet Coke, thanks to bartender.

Without you, DC, I am nothing.

1/2 an hour: Make a list of "things," culled from research, that require inclusion for an audience with a slight working knowledge of the organization. Come up with a dozen.

1/2 an hour: Delete extraneous and repetitive topics and pile a couple together, all while eating cookies. Realize there are still seven (items on the list, not cookies).

1/2 an hour: Play Sophie's Choice, trying to determine which points readers should know about most. (Five things is random but it's a manageable number for most topics.)

You guys. I need this. Need it badly or I will die.
Available here.

1/2 an hour, many more cookies: Expand on points, adding details and explanations, along with a brief introduction.

5 minutes: Read post, finding it so boring I nod off. Consume more Diet Coke in huge quantities.

20 minutes: Look at Google images, putting in keywords from the (boring) text. Consider featuring Archer gifs again just because...Archer.

Because Archer.

5 minutes: Re-reread boring text and spot a glimmer of an idea. If only the CRA had a version of the Force to say, "This is not the legislation you are looking for" to the Evil Empire's stormtroopers.

1/2 an hour: Rewrite entire piece with Star Wars extended metaphor. Feel smugly genius throughout revision.

40 minutes: Reread. Feel the opposite of awesome. 700 words. I edit out clutter, helping verbs, prepositional phrases, adverbs, and all the other word detritus, inching closer to (self-imposed) 400-word "5 Things" limit. Hit 500 words. Think about throwing in the towel and saying, "Meh. Good enough."

20 minutes: Pound head on glass table out of frustration, which also dislodges remaining active brain cells. Cut another hundred words.

5 minutes: Valentino reads the piece. A friend (with 90+ books published) says, "Good editors make good writers." True story. Our hero points out a sentence unclear beyond the limits of my brain. He offers suggestions for a funnier turn of phrase, kisses me on the top of the head (as all good editors should), and flees writer central.

15 minutes: Revise again.

Publish blog post.

10 minutes: Reread 500 times and make adjustments.

Post on Facebook.**

Lather, rinse, repeat.


I can do both in the Habanos Members' Room.

*I don't need to hear about how diet soda will make my head explode and/or is giving me MS. I literally have one vice: Diet Coke.

**Do you like our Facebook page yet? You should. We're giving away stuff on there! You like stuff! We like giving stuff!

"But whenever Monday comes, you can find me crying all of the time" (until the semester is over, and then...wheeee!)

It's a darned good thing I like the Monday night class I teach (Hi all of you!), and the students keep me entertained and happy.* And sometimes bring me Diet Coke.**

I know you're going to email me and say I shouldn't drink this
because I'll grow another head on my shoulders or whatever,
but without the sweet brown poison,
I'd totally fall asleep in front of the class. In front of every class.
No one wants that.

If I didn't like them so much, I'd be all BOO! and DAMMIT! and CRAP! because most of the fun cigar things seem to be happening on Mondays this semester. So Valentino goes to the fun things and sends me texts and pictures, and generally recounts that fantastic fun-ness he's having.

I try to share the fun I'm having too. For realz. He's not, however, buying that my two-and-a-half hours talking about writing and reading is more fun than hanging out with cool cigar folks, eating and drinking, and smoking.  In my defense, and to keep the playing field level, I had malted milk balls with the Diet Coke.

Oh, malted milk balls, why must you be so delicious?
And so small? And come in packages of five?
Do you have any idea how many little packages must be opened
and consumed in order to remain happy during the whole class?***

So during my repetitive sojourns**** over the course of the semester, he's had these adventures, of which I am mucho jealous. In no particular order, other than this is how they popped into my head:*****

Hanging with Island Jim, he of Leaf by Oscar, at Churchill's (Hi Bryan--even though I've technically never met you in person. And do you know why? Yep. Work. Boo. Soon we'll remedy that. I hear you have MBombays? We have been dying to get our hands--and taste buds--on those!)

Honestly, how can you not want to own some of these darlings?
As soon as the man returns from Man Camp, we are so there!

An Eiroa/CLE dinner with the Mr. J's Havana gang (at that seekrit location). Hi Paul! Hi Tom! Hi Mark! Hi Lauren! Hi people who were there and who I should give a shout out to, but since I wasn't there, I don't know who that might be!)

"Are you ready for some football?"
Definitely. Especially if there's delicious food!

Some fun nights at Broadway Cigar for Monday Night Football. (Although he does get credit for bringing me dinner home from those festivities! Thank you!) Each week, the awesomely cool Bobby and the gang (which would actually make them Cool and the Gang) feature a different cigar to accompany that night's noshing.  So it's win-win. I just wish I could have also been a winner. I have to go sulk now.

This is representative of Man Camp.
By the way, have you liked Will the Travelling Owl yet?
You totally should. And you'll be glad you did.

There's another dinner from the fabulous folks at Mr. J's this coming Monday, which, in Valentino's defense, he will also miss because he'll be at Man Camp. (Hi Jerry! Hi Will! Hi Marlin! Hi Billy! Hi Jerry! Hi Tom! Hi Billy! Missing you, Valentino the Elder!) I can't decide whether to be happy (Man Camp!) or sad (not Penny Camp!) at this time of year. Missing festivities doesn't help. I can't even live vicariously. Unlessssss... Unless you go and tell me all about it.  Take pictures! Send me random texts throughout the course of the night! Just call Mr. J's to chat with him about tickets!!

You should get yourself some of this! And you can--and much more! at the Roma dinner!
Call Broadway Cigars for more info!

The following week, on Monday the 8th, a big shindig is happening at Roma on Federal Hill in Providence. The dinner will feature the cigars of J Grotto, good old Mr. J, Paul Joyal, himself! So two of our favorite people are getting together and having a party. Again, you should go; I'm going to need to get to the store before then so I can drown my sorrows in whatever malted milk is.

Then, we found out that on Monday, December 15, Jim Robinson is going to be in town again. Let me stress the Monday in the previous sentence.

Why does everything have to happen on a Monday? And then I remembered...

This is the point in the story where the angels sing with joy.

 ...I remembered school will be over by then! I can join the festivities!! So come to Broadway Cigars in Providence, RI and we can party like rock stars!******

Lots more things are on our calendar for December. Stay tuned for updates!!



*What? that's not supposed to be what's happening?

**It's not really a bribe; more a way to keep me awake and off-kilter.

***In case you were wondering, it takes seventy umpity thousand tiny packages of malted milk balls for one long class.

****And I say this ironically

*****The ideas don't just pop into my head. In fact, it's more like this:

Very painful indeed!

******Aging, tired, end-of-the-semester melt-down rock stars. But rock stars nonetheless.