Wednesday, July 30, 2014

It's a Madhouse! Welcome to the Asylum

First of all, has anyone noticed how often Planet of the Apes is on? I'm not complaining about seeing it every few days--just making an observation. (Because the first rule of Planet of the Apes is you have to watch Planet of the Apes whenever you see it on the television. Remote down. No passing it by.)
I know what you're thinking--whaaaa?
Here's the dealio. (Or: Stand behind the splash zone because this is how Penny's brain works.)
We were at Habanos last weekend, whooping it up with our pals, both old (Hi Brian! Hi Chris! Hi Marc! Hi Amanda!) and brand-new (Hi new folks whose names I've forgotten because I'm a jerk!), and I watched Marc hand Valentino an Asylum 13 in some strange male ritual of cigar swapping and back clapping. I observed from afar, lest the testosterone get in my eye, causing temporary blindness and keeping me from watching Planet of the Apes again.

I think the flowers are a nice touch. Shush.
Let me have a teeny tiny bit of girliness will you?
Brainchild of Tom Lazuka and Christian Eiroa, the Asylum 13 Seventy, she is a big girl: 7" long with a 70 ring gauge. This cigar is a commitment.  Unfortunately, we only had about 45 minutes to last call, and that would mean the Asylum powerhouse would enter stasis (no smoking in the car, no desire to stand in the mean streets of Pawtucket, RI puffing away), and we all know the cigars never come back from hibernation exactly the same as we left them.
(By the way, Marc, he feels guilty for not smoking it there with you, but he wanted to be able to enjoy the whole thing. Mission accomplished. Sorry you weren't here to enjoy it.)
But today was the day, breaking into the Asylum 13 (not to be confused with breaking out of  Stalag 13, where Hogan's Heroes plotted against Colonel Klink).

According to the company website, "Asylum 13 cigars are true Nicaraguan Puros. A dark Nicaraguan Habana wrapper coats a combination of aged Cuban seed long filler grown throughout the black volcanic soils of Nicaragua. One can expect a slow, cool burn with a medium to full bodied array of flavor. these cigars are eventful throughout and something you don't want to miss out on."

You guys! You definitely don't want to miss out on this cigar if you haven't tried it. First of all, it looks very milk-chocolaty so there's that. And then when Valentino started to smoke it, I swear I got chocolate, cocoa notes. Trick of the mind because I had sweet deliciousness on the brain? Then it had a hint of pepperiness, which reminded me of that scene in Chocolat when Juliette Binoche's character Vianne mixes spices into the chocolate and... Oh, I'll be right back. I need to go get some.  While I'm gone, please enjoy these pictures:

You're welcome, ladies and gentlemen. [source]
I know, I need for me to rush back. [source]
 Are we all a little more settled?* Okay, so the Asylum 13 smoked evenly and Valentino said it had an amazeballs draw. (I'm paraphrasing.)

It took a good part of the day, sitting together in the shade, tormenting each other as only best friends can, but he finished the cigar a couple hours later. The Asylum 13 Seventy gave up the ghost with a final puff of smoke as Valentino burned his fingertips for the last time, flung the nubbin (that's what I like to call it) and muttered "Dammit."

Thank you, Marc!!!

Leaving the asylum. Get it?
Dudes, I wrote this whole post just so I could use this picture
and the Planet of the Apes video. Shut up. [source]

*I may have consumed Hostess cupcakes, my all-time favorite dessert** (although they're not exactly the same since their comeback--kind of like the cigar after stasis: the same yet different).

**And you should be quiet about me having trained in the fine art of baking and pastry at one of the top culinary schools.*** Hostess cupcakes are nearly the perfect food. If you're good, one of these days I'll tell you how to eat them correctly.

***Valentino, you can shut your cupcake hole before you even open it. We will not have the battle of the culinary schools on my blog.****

****Because I will win. You don't know the blog password. Bwah hahahaha!

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