Friday, July 31, 2015

Cigar Lounge Manners: Gag me with a...much-too-liberal spraying of cologne

adjective: odoriferous
  1. having or giving off a smell, especially an unpleasant or distinctive one.
    "spicily concocted with odoriferous herbs"

There I sat in the cigar lounge, 90% anti-social, writing funny word arrangements for you.* As I snickered, because I think I'm hilarious, I took a deep breath, reoxygenating myself. I almost died from noxious fumes. Really! I almost DIED!

I looked around for new arrivals; that odoriferous slap to the senses did not exist 30 seconds before. At least not in the warm cigar lounge, where someone's idea of sexy, when contained, intensified the horror that is cheap cologne.

A mere five feet from me sat a chummy menagerie of mid-50s lotharios,** all bedecked in their best polyester finery. Turning in their direction to launch the what-is-that-stink stinkeye, I received a full-on blast that surely would have sunk a slighter soul.***


When you're 13 and bathe in Axe, you don't know any better. We thank your moms and girlfriends for telling you to knock it off when you've used an entire can in two days.

As you progress through life, living on your own, earning your own keep and cologne money, we ask you for two things:

1. Please please please do not bathe in cheap fragrance.
2. Remember that less is more, regardless of the cost.

We love when you wear your signature scent, but your cologne shouldn't overpower your manliness and the sweet, delicious comingling of smoking premium sticks as you enter the cigar lounge. Or kill the writer at the bar.

If every time you move, you instantly think, "Damn, I smell good," you're wearing too much. You want the ladies to move in close and whisper, "Wow. You smell delicious. Want to buy me a cigar?" not "What the fuck is that smell?" as you step from the car.

Here's how to ensure you're wearing exactly the right amount:

After showering, but before you've put on your shirt, spritz some cologne into the air and walk through the mist.  If you're already dressed, a bit on the back of your neck and your wrists will do just fine, keeping in mind you should spray from about ten inches away., not get up close like a perfumery power-washer.

And remember: During these hotter months, or when heading to a warm cigar lounge, use even less than usual. The warmer the environment, the more intense the smells become because of science.

Look, we want to hang out with you at the cigar lounge without threat of asphyxiation. We think you're fun and funny and witty and clever. Plus, those cigars you smoke are swoon-worthy.

So if during evening preparations you spray and then think, "Oh shit. Too much! I might kill Penny!" Don't worry; you may still leave the house.  But first, take a cotton ball. Add rubbing alcohol. Apply to the area on your skin where the cologne landed. Don't overspray again.

Or we'll tell your mom.

*You're welcome.

**At first I wrote "older men" and Not as I wave hello to 50 myself! Hi 50, you miserable, looming cow.

***You should all thank my obsessive love of cake; without it, you wouldn't be reading this!

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